Rejected Parables

“I was at the kosher section of the market the other day and the prices were unbelievable. Really, what’s with all this Roman oppression? They’re all tax this and tax that. Who do they think they are, the British?

…

Wow, tough crowd tonight.

But seriously, haven’t they ever heard of taxation without representation? What? They haven’t? Oh in that case, just forget I mentioned it. Hey, have I told you guys the one where you’re all sheep?”



“Dude, I got completely wasted last night. What, I called you? Oh, what did I say? HAH HAH HAH! That’s freakin’ hilarious. So last night this chick I didn’t even know was like “I don’t deserve you, Lord. Let me wash your feet.” And I was like “Hells Yeah!” But when I woke up she was a total skank. Yeah. I know! Right!

Oh, crap, I’m in public. Got to go, talk to ya later dude.

Hey, did I tell you guys the one about the prodigal son?”



“Okay, so once upon a time there was a farmer. And the farmer planted seeds everywhere: on the good soil, on the bad soil, on the road, everywhere. And the plants grew up but were very needy so they followed the farmer around everywhere he went. And they kept asking the farmer to heal them, feed them, and practically clothe them even though they can do that all by themselves. And the farmer at first was considerate of their needs but now it’s really pissing him off. But when the farmer tells this to the plants they don’t get it and instead stare at him with their stupid sheep eyes looking for some more handouts. But the farmer’s fucking tired of it okay? I’m going on four hours of sleep right now and you want some more miracles? Give me break! ‘Boo-hoo, I’m paralyzed, I’m blind, I’m dead.’ You know what, I’m tired and I can do much better job at the miraculous when I’m rested up. So I’m going back to bed. Anyone who even thinks about waking me up will eat firebolts. And I know what you’re thinking even when I sleep. Yeah, I’m that badass.”