I'm Shameful

What up, bitches. Since I want to save what I’ve written for rainier days, but still want to contribute to my Shameful Thing, I’m posting an old paper of mine. It’s a research paper, which means it gets pretty dry at points. But if you stick with me I start talking about sex. And then I have an interlude of hot, sweaty, dirty sex. At one point there’s even some S&M. So read.


Buffy Vs. The Inferno

In the early 14th century, Dante Alighieri wrote The Inferno, which details a journey through Hell by a fictionalized version of the author (Matthews and Platt, 2008). In the late 20th and early 21st century, Joss Whedon produced the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which followed the adventures of the fictional character Buffy Summers. In the series finale “Chosen,” Buffy Summers enters Hell with other women in order to fight the forces of evil (Whedon, 2003). Due to the corresponding settings, one is able to easily recognize the many thematic differences of the two works. By examining the thematic differences between The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, one can evaluate the many differences between 14th century Florentine culture and 21st century American culture; such as the different perceived natures of Hell, the different roles of women in society, the different views on sexual ethics, the different mediums of storytelling, as well as the different moral approaches.

In The Inferno, the character Dante is given a tour of Hell by his idol, the Roman poet Virgil. They pass through nine circles of Hell. Each circle houses a different group of sinners who are being punished for their crimes. Each type of punishment corresponds with the particular sin. For example, gluttons, those who had constantly overeaten and were continually lazy during their lives, spend the afterlife wallowing in garbage in the third circle of Hell as punishment for their sin. In life, they did nothing but lie around and create waste. So in death, they do nothing but lie in waste. After touring through hell, Dante travels through Purgatory and Heaven in the aptly named poems Purgatorio and Paradiso. However in order to travel through Heaven, Dante must leave Virgil behind and follow his childhood love Beatrice instead. Through this exchange, the allegorical nature of the poem becomes apparent. Dante Alighieri wrote The Inferno as an allegory for how one becomes a moral person and enters heaven. According to Alighieri, one must first follow human reason, which is represented by the Roman poet Virgil. Afterwards one must then accept divine love, which is represented by Beatrice (Alighieri, 1982).

Similarly to The Inferno, Buffy the Vampire Slayer functions as an allegory. However unlike the allegory of morality in The Inferno, Buffy is an allegory for the feminist movement. In the television series, Buffy Summers is teenager chosen to be the slayer, the one girl who defends humanity by fighting demons on a regular basis. Using her supernatural strength and the magical abilities of her friends, she stops demons and other forces of evil that have traveled into the mortal world. In the series finale “Chosen” Buffy and her allies, tired of repeatedly being attacked by their enemies, descend into hell in order the rid the world of evil. In Buffy, Hell is the home of a multitude of vampires and demons. Once Buffy is in Hell, the supporting character Willow performs a spell which makes women throughout the world gain the supernatural strength of the slayer. This is where the allegorical nature of the series presents itself. Buffy and her compatriots Willow and Faith represent the leaders of the women’s civil rights movement, who used their strength of character to fight for the rights of women (Whedon, 2003).

The dissimilar nature of the two works creates a large amount of different material to compare. First to be considered is the different natures of Hell within the two works. In The Inferno, Hell is the place of punishment for sinners. Each sin has an elaborate punishment designed specifically for the sinners (Alighieri, 1982). In Buffy, though, Hell is simply a concentration of evil forces. This shows a clear divide between the two cultures that the works originated from. In the early 21st century American culture, Hell is no longer thought of as where people go to be penalized. Instead, it is thought of as a source of malevolence. Also, in Buffy evil forces are also portrayed as sexist ones. One of the final villains of the series is Caleb, a superhuman misogynist who wears the outfits of a priest simply because he enjoys their style (Whedon, 2003). This also touches upon the main difference between the cultures and the two works: the role of women in society.

In The Inferno, women are portrayed as a weaker sex, when they are portrayed. With one exception, women are excluded from the lower and more extreme regions of Hell. This is due to the cultural context of the work. In 14th century Florence, women were incapable of committing severe crimes due to their secondary status within society. Since they were not permitted to hold office, they could not commit the crime of graft; because they were not permitted to become high-level clergy, they could not commit the crime of hypocrisy; and so forth. The Inferno reflects this. The only sins women commit are sins of sexual passion.

Women in The Inferno are housed in the second circle of Hell, the carnal, where they are eternally swept by a whirlwind just like they were swept by their passions during life. The historical and mythological figures Semiramis, Dido, Cleopatra, Helen, and Francesca all reside in the second circle. The only exception to this rule is Potiphar’s wife, who resides in the eighth circle, where she burns with a fever eternally. But like the other women, her crime is a sexual one. Her sin was the desire for an illicit relationship with Joseph (Alighieri, 1982). This shows that women’s main role in 14th century Florentine society was to love men.

Conversely, in the 21st century American society, women are equals to men. Particularly in Buffy, women are the warriors. Buffy Summers, her fellow slayer Faith, and her friend Willow all possess superhuman abilities which they use to fight evil. It should also be noted that in the fictional universe of Buffy there are superhumanly strong men as well, such as the characters Angel, Riley, and Spike. However, the three women are frequently shown to be as strong as or stronger than the men. Additionally, there are many characters within the series who are normal humans (Whedon, 2003).

Despite the superhuman or human nature of the characters, all are equals. All make their own choices free from societal restrictions. Also in Buffy, the female characters take on roles that only men could in 14th century Florentine society. Buffy works, Willow and Dawn go to school, and Anya owns a business (Whedon, 2003). These were unreachable positions for the women depicted in The Inferno.

The purposes of each work may also explain many of the differences. The Inferno is an allegory of how one enters heaven and becomes a moral person by using reason and accepting God’s love (Alighieri, 1982). In contrast, Buffy explicitly rejects the morality and sexual ethics found in The Inferno. All major characters in Buffy, except for Dawn due to her young age, have extra-marital sexual relationships. In The Inferno, such relationships were condemned. Extra-marital sex was the reason why characters were punished in the second circle of hell. In Buffy and in 21st century America, though, sex is a healthy part of any long-term romantic relationship.

In addition, long-term gay relationships are depicted positively in Buffy, while in the Inferno such relationships are condemned. In The Inferno, the seventh circle of hell housed gays, classified as violent against nature. There, Dante meets Ser Brunetto Latino, an idol of his. For his crime of gay sex, he roams the circle of burning sand with others as flames rained down upon them (Alighieri, 1982).

Buffy, on the other hand, had a relatively upbeat depiction of gay relationships. In the fourth season, the supporting character Willow, a woman, met and fell in love with the character Tara, another woman. They continued to have a long-term romantic relationship with each other until Tara’s death. Nine months later, Willow became involved with Kennedy, another reoccurring female character. Also there were multiple reoccurring male characters that were depicted as gay (Whedon, 2003).

Beyond the differences of the role of women in society and sexual ethics, The Inferno and Buffy demonstrate another key difference between their cultures of origin. The Inferno is part of an epic poem while Buffy is a long running television series. This showcases the different storytelling mediums used in the two cultures. In Western culture, the chief avenue for storytelling has changed from poems and literature to television and film.

Even with all their differences, The Inferno unmistakably influenced Buffy. The television show used the superficial elements of the poem such as demons and prophecy to highlight the different moral approaches. In the poem, demons punished sinners, while prophecies which predicted events tied the poem to the real world (Alighieri, 1982). In the show, demons hunt victims who live in the real world, while prophecy is used mostly to foreshadow story points (Whedon, 2003).

By connecting Buffy the Vampire Slayer with The Inferno, producer Joss Whedon highlighted the different moral approaches. In The Inferno, one goes to heaven by using reason and accepting divine grace (Alighieri, 1982). In Buffy, one goes to heaven by simply being a good person. After dying at the end of season five, and coming back to life at the beginning of season six, Buffy Summers believed that she was in Heaven. Yet, when asked by a vampire whether or not God exists in the season seven episode “Conversations with Dead People,” she states that no one really knows (Whedon, 2003). In Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when a person enters Heaven, God is not involved. This is a direct rejection of the moral theory found in The Inferno.

The different themes of The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer reveal key differences between the Western culture 14th century Florence and the Western culture of 21st century America. Hell is no longer perceived as a place for punishment for sinners, it is now considered to be a place of general evil. Women no longer function in relation to men, now they are equal to men. Sexual ethics has changed drastically. Formerly only married sexual relationships were praised, now all long-term romantic relationships are sexual ones. Also, the main medium of storytelling has changed from epic poems to long running television series. All these elements may tie into the different moral approaches illustrated in The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In The Inferno, the means needed for a good life are reason and divine grace. In Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the key to a good life is good works. God is optional.


Notice how I didn’t devolve my paper with a detour of sexual deviation? Yeah, I was just fucking with you in the intro. Kinda makes you pissed, doesn’t it? But you gotta admit that the last line was killer.

I have sinned

I have confession to make. I have a dark, dirty secret that I tell no one in my private life. This habit is so heinous and so disturbing that I have become disgusted with myself for propagating a social plague, I have become overwhelmed with guilt due to my support of the writer’s union (tentative deal, yay!), and most importantly it has caused me to doubt my taste in popular culture.

I watch American Gladiators.

At 7PM on Mondays, I have finally came back from campus and have finished all my errands. So I relax in front of my television. And there on NBC (the media company that brought Battlestar Galactica, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Medium, 30 Rock, Conan O’Brian, and the first four seasons of Friends into my life) I find people volunteering to be publicly beaten unconscious.

I typically am appalled at “reality” programming, especially since the studio decided to not pay their writers for one of the main mediums (and soon to be the medium) of distributing their product. I don’t idolize American Idol. MTV makes me want to vomit. And Bruno vs. Mary Anne: Dance War sounds like a horseman of the apocalypse. But broadcasted violence is compelling television to me, for some reason. For example:

In the first challenge, contestants sprint through a narrow pathway while four bodybuilders repeatedly punch them in the face. After this the contestants endure many other challenges, such as the pyramid. In the pyramid, the contestants try to climb a forty-foot pyramid made of exercise mats as fast as possible. This in itself wouldn’t be entertaining. But when you factor in the Gladiators throwing the contestants down forty feet, having the contestants recover and climb the pyramid for the second time only to have the Gladiators throw them down again and again; it becomes interesting.

Why do the contestants push themselves farther and farther into the Gladiators’ fists? So that they may have a head start against the other contestant in the eliminator. In the eliminator, the contestants climb a ten foot wall, swim under several concussing bars of face-scaring OPEN FLAMES, climb a thirty foot wall, disorient themselves by rolling down a human-sized sewing spool, exhaust every muscle in their arms by propelling themselves with bicycle pedals, climb the forty foot pyramid again, zip line into the ground next to the finishing point, and then WHEN NO MUSCLE SYSTEM IN THEIR BODY WILL FUCKING WORK FOR A MONTH they have to climb an elevated treadmill that is going the wrong way.

I admit the main draw for me is the violence. But the show is much more than that. Half of the contestants say that their motivation for going on to international television (consequently everyone they will ever meet will remember them as the guy who was thrown into a wall thirty times) is to make money for their family. The go on this show for their kids and for their moms. I love that they don’t consider engaging in a career path that would earn them more money than an exploitive television show ever would. Instead, they planned to be pummeled for money.

(Note: the average life-time earnings for those with a High School diploma is $1.2 million, a Bachelor’s Degree gives an average $2.1 million, Master’s typically gives $2.5 million, Doctorate’s give an average of $3.4 million, and Professional Degrees give average life-time earnings of $4.4 million. American Gladiators gives an average of $12,500.)

Beyond the contestants’ desperation and lack of logic, the Gladiators have the queerest stage personas I have seen since I watched professional wrestling (I was 8, don’t judge me). At any point the contestants have no idea whether the gladiators intend to kill them or rape them. I also enjoy the contestants that honestly just had a lot of time on their hands and thought the show would be fun. They smile and remain perky when they win while the other contestants go on and on about how they have failed and now can no longer support their addiction to meth.

…

Inevitably, at the 7:15 commercial break I flip through channels while listening to jazz on my MP3 player to remind myself that I am human. And it is then that I notice that I could have been watching How I Met Your Mother. The guilt sets in and I cry a little as the five witty urbanites chastise me for not watching the opening act of their comic plots. I tell them that I’m sorry, but Allison Hannigan and Neil Patrick Harris won’t listen. So I turn to NBC, watch poor people be beaten, concussed, ridiculed, and dismembered for the joy of the masses. I then repress the memories of HIMYM so that I may function for another week.

LOST

The reason for my existence is back. Lost premiered last thursday after making the fans wait for eight months. Was it worth the wait? Completely.

People ask me why I would like the show, since it primarily exists to turn the audience's expressions into the one Desmond is wearing up there.

This episode focused on Hurley, one of my favorites since his romance with Libby during the second season. Libby was pretty. Libby was into psychology. Libby was into fat men.

To reiterate: Libby was perfect.

But then she was used as a plot device, which makes me scream out loud every time I see the relevant episode. But I digress.

What you need to know: Lost is awesome. You should be watching it. It is allright if you don't get everything, because it is a MYSTERY show. Be mystified and enjoy the experience.

So this thursday night stop everything you are doing to watch the show. It doesn't matter if you are at work, studying, taking care of babies, driving, etc. Stop what you are doing and watch the show.

It's worth it.

FAQ

What’s a FAQ? A F.A.Q. is a series of Frequently Asked Questions. I supply the answers after each question so that this is both informative and accessible. Below I will list the most frequently asked questions that you (the readers) give me and my responses.

Can I ask rhetorical questions? I don’t know, can you?

You just answered a question with another question. Isn’t that a little cheap? Well it worked for Socrates and Jesus.

State-sanctioned execution also worked for Socrates and Jesus. Whoa now, there’s no need to be hostile. Why don’t we put down the knives and sort things out. Moving on…

Umm Justin, where are we? What did we do last night? To your first question, we are at an old friend of mine’s place. Don’t worry; they are at work, so we have a few hours to get composed. To your second question, you obviously ingested large quantities of alcohol and other illicit substances. And then we played Axis & Allies.

That’s all? Yes. And then we screwed.

Oh.

Can I have your baby? I wish you could, but it kept making these really annoying noises and it left messes everywhere. So I returned it for store credit. Sorry.

How did you get so devilishly charming and witty? I get that all the time! I think I get the devilishly charming part from my grand-pappy, Beelzebub. As for my wit, after the major studios ran out of all the money they made by broadcasting every episode of every show online, I bought Tina Fey from NBC. I keep her in my basement. For every joke she makes, I give her five minutes of “outside time.”

Really, Satan’s your grandpa? I was expecting you to go with the usual “son of Satan” routine. I was too, but then Tina Fey stepped in for the save. She used to be really uncooperative, always starting fights and shanking her neighbors. But now she’s gotten into the weight room in a big way. It’s been a total turnaround.

What are the five types of glia cells and their functions? Well, the star-shaped astrocytes help synchronize the activity of the axons and enable them to send messages in waves. The miniscule microglia function as if they were part of the immune system, since they remove waste material, viruses, fungi, and other microorganisms. Both oligodendrocytes of the central nervous system and schwann cells of the peripheral nervous system build the myelin sheaths that insulate axons. And the radial glia, a subgroup of astrocytes, migrate neurons and help grow their axons and dendrites during embryonic development.

THE REAL Scooby-Doo

Upon graduating high school, a group of local burnouts engage in a road trip in one’s hippie van while experimenting with recreational drug use. One’s use of marijuana causes an overabundance of the munchies, but his high metabolism rate plus his increased forgetfulness prevents weight gain. After ingesting several “Scooby-Snacks” the teenagers hallucinate that their dog has the ability to speak.

The teenagers become a disturbance to the peace in Middle America when they have delusions of the local museum’s suit of armor abducting community leaders. The gang, determined to solve the mystery, break into the museum after business hours and terrorize the night staff. During a bad trip, one female appears to have the ability to sprint while carrying three others and the dog.

A member of the night staff calls the police, which exacerbates the situation for a few more hours. The gang only settles down after a local officer praises the teenagers for their bravery and pretends to take a man into custody. The elderly night staff admonishes “those meddling kids” as the gang returns to their vehicle.

The teenagers circle their hometown and the surrounding countryside in the hippie van, repetitively finding “monsters” and “mysteries” every time they take a hit of acid. The cycle continues until the gang hallucinates Don Knotts pathetically performing several roles in order to remain on broadcast television.

Shocked out of their bohemian lifestyle, the foursome settles down. Daphne marries Fred, markets their stories as a children’s television series, and they now live together with their two kids in the country club. Velma teaches gender studies at a regional university. Shaggy continues to tour the countryside with the dog.

Both experience flashbacks of their days as a part of Mystery Inc…

Excerpts from the New Hampshire Debates

Gibson: How would you handle nuclear proliferation, in regards to terrorist cells residing within Pakistan?

Obama: I believe that we should blow Pakistanis to hell.

Edwards: I second that, I believe that we should blow Pakistanis to hell.

Richardson: I think that first we should use diplomacy. There is a provision within the Pakistani constitution that would provide safety to everyone in the world. Also, we need to have real, actionable intelligence before starting any military campaign.

Clinton: I believe that we should get actionable intelligence, so we know who we are blowing to hell.



Gibson: Has the current surge in Iraq worked?

Clinton: I hate Bush. Within 60 days we will be out of Iraq.

Richardson: I think before I speak. I hate Bush. Within a year we will be out of Iraq in order to focus on helping Americans.

Obama: I hate Bush. I speak in generalities. We will get out of Iraq sometime.

Edwards: I hate bush. We will gradually get out of Iraq.



Gibson: How do you want the American people to perceive you?

Democrats: We can joke with each other like adorable care bears. Then we attack each other like verbally abusive bears .

All Republicans except Ron Paul: We attack each other.

Ron Paul: Are you as bored as I am with these self-appointed leaders talking over each other without saying anything relevant? I mean, they are not even discussing how economics is intrinsically involved with the issue of immigration. I am going to spin in my chair now. (Spins)

All Republicans except Ron Paul: Oh yeah! Well, we attack each other more!

Are You A Reality TV Show Contestant?

Have you ever wondered if you are Reality Television material? Find out now with this simple, multiple-choice questionnaire!

1. You are in close quarters with seven strangers for a few weeks, do you…
A. Try to respect their personal space.
B. Insult the others behind their backs, but in front of the cameras.
C. Spread Syphilis!

2. You use the phrase…
A. “Have a nice day!”
B. “Why do I have to work?”
C. “I don’t mean to be a bitch, but…”

3. In your daily life, you try to…
A. Foster humanity in yourself and in others.
B. Keep it “real.”
C. Exemplify a stereotype.

4. You and seven others are in an uncomfortably warm room, do you…
A. Turn on the air-conditioner.
B. Undress.
C. Lick yourself.

5. You just woke up an hour late. Your first thought is…
A. “Crap! I forgot to set the alarm!”
B. “Crap! I forgot to exploit myself!”
C. “Crap! I forgot to hide the bodies!”

For every answer A, give yourself zero (0) points. For every answer B, give yourself five (5) points. For every answer C, give yourself ten (10) points. Add your points together and you have your score!

Your Score: Your Title:

0-10 Normal Person. You are firmly grounded in reality and have an excellent grasp of current social mores. Good Job!

15-35 Reality TV Show Contestant. You belong in front of cameras, so the rest of us can enjoy our shaddenfruede. Good Job!

40-50 Psychotic. Please wear a sign that reads, “Do Not Touch. Crazy/Insane,” so that we may have a fair warning. Good Job!

The Top Five Ways to Get on the Six O'clock News

5. Host a charity bake sale.

4. Run for office on the Green Party ticket.

3. Streak at a local ballgame.

2. Murder someone. Then confess.

1. Murder someone at a charity bake sale. Later while streaking at a local ballgame, confess the crime and announce your campaign for office on the Green Party ticket simultaneously.

Drunk Dialer: Miss Piggy

Justin: Piggy! Piggy!

Miss Piggy: Yes, this is moi. To whom am I speaking?

Justin: Piggy! It’s me! Justin!

Miss Piggy: Oh, brother. You wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?

J: Yes!! How’d you guess?

MP: What other times do you call me?

J: Uhh… umm… When I want money?

MP: True. Is that why you called?

J: No! I called because I’m lonely!

MP: Look fellah, I don’t have time for this. I’m a busy pig.

J: Hey, Piggy! Remember the old times!

MP: Unfortunately.

J: Remember the times when I was lonely, and you were lonely, and we were drunk?

MP: Justin! I certainly do not!

J: Oh. Remember the times when I was lonely, and you were lonely, and you were drunk?

MP: I don’t deserve this kind of treatment! Hii-yaah!

J: Oww!! Did you just hit me over the phone?

MP: I’m that good, baby.
[Hangs up]

The Planning Committee for THE PRICE IS RIGHT

“Soon the proletariat will rise up against our regime.”

“This is true, does anyone have any ideas?”

“We can train Paris to divert their attention.”

“No. They’ll never fall for her parlor tricks.”

“Do you have a better idea?”

“…”

“I’ve got one! We can produce a television show where we hand out our products to the illiterate. It will quell the masses much like the lottery and broadcast sports. Plus, we can use the program for advertising.”

“That is a good start, but we should try to think outside the box. Right now we are on the edge of the box. Let’s take that idea and give it 105 percent.”

“How about we force the insignificants to guess at our arbitrary pricing? That way we trick the masses into valuing meaningless items while we laugh at their vapid, consumerist culture.”

“That is perversely malicious. Good job! I’ll call Barker.”

CBS Cares... Sorta

Actual Slogan:
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from Aids.


Unused Slogans from the Brainstorming Session:

If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, then you’re probably gay.
If you’re on drugs or haven taken a lot of alcohol, don’t dial your ex. They will only have rebound sex with you while they are on drugs.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from your HIV positive coke addict sex buddy.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, don’t give your designated driver a few hundred dollars for gas. Trust us; gas prices didn’t get as high as you did.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t fully protect yourself from crazy drugged-out transsexuals with machetes.
If you snort more than one line of cocaine, take a sick day from work. It will be our little secret.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from creepy, paternalistic, abstinence-only television professionals who don’t know how to live a little.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, we are better than you.

Drunk Dialer: Tyra Banks

Justin: Hello?

Tyra Banks: JUSTON! What’s up, buddy?

Justin: Hey, Tyra.

Tyra Banks: I was just talking to myself, “You know who we need to talk to? Justin,” That’s what we said. Justin’s a great talker. Justin’s a good friend.

J: He left you, didn’t he?

TB: No! I just wanted to talk to my friend!

J: Oh, well in that case, an interesting thing happened to me today. I was at the-

TB: HE LEFT ME! He! Left me! This is the worst day of my life! I said to him, “KISS MY FAT ASS!” Who does he think he is? Tyra Banks? ‘Cause only Tyra can break up with Tyra.

J: You wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?

TB: YES! I’m completely intalksicated! I’m drunk on Tyra! And Jack Daniels!

J: How are you holding up?

TB: I’m good. I’m a survivor, I’m gonna make it. You know people on the street mistake me for Beyonce? One time, I performed a sex show as Beyonce! When I was a child! It was the worst day of my life! I was abused as a child! Did you know that?

J: Yes, we’ve discussed it before. I think it’s very brave that-

TB: Yea-huh, I survive! A girl with this kind of bah-donka-donk don’t stay single for long!

J: That’s true. I-

TB: I’m glad we got to glamunicate! If I was white, I’d be Oprah!

J: It is always nice to talk to you too, Tyra. So are you feeling better?

TB: No! There’s a hole in my heartbreak and it hurts. And the hole gets wider and wider every time I think! That’s my problem. Thoughts.

J: So… do you want to have consolation sex?

TB: Err, I’ve got to go! CRRR! Bad cell phone reception! CRRR! That’s a funny sound to say! CRRR!

J: Tyra, I know what you are doing.

TB: No you don’t!

J: You are faking poor reception in order to avoid an awkward conversation.

TB: No I’m not! KISS MY FAT ASS! CRRR!
[Hangs up]