Detox Journal

With a five-day weekend for thanksgiving, I decided it would be an opportune time to get over my addiction to caffeine. I stopped being a binge drinking idiot earlier this year, so I figure getting over caffeine will be relatively painless. So from here on out it will be pure H2O, no coffee, soda, or tea. And this journal will mark my progress towards a better, shiny, stimulant-free life.


Day 1- It has been twenty-four hours since I last ingested a caffeinated beverage. I don’t feel that different… and that is a complete lie. I am perpetually tired and it takes three times as long to carry out any routine activity. However, I am worried most about my appearance to others.

Recently I recognized that if I go to class without my morning caffeine, two things will inevitably occur. First, I will not comprehend any bit of the lecture or any item said to me (such as “Good Morning, Justin”). Second, if I temporarily believe that I do comprehend, I am still unable to communicate back. Typically I add extra nouns and misplace verbs. For example, once a classmate said hello and I responded with, “Morning Lion caffeine am.” Despite the fact that this appears to be a recent condition, I have a feeling that this has gone on every morning for several years, because the lack of caffeine induces temporary amnesia.

While I was editing the last two paragraphs, I noticed one mistake for every sentence. That’s not too bad. I can live like this. And I’m just going to get better tomorrow!


Day 2- Ugh, today left great big hurtness. Life like morning ever. Tired, tired, everything. Why did I do this to me? No, everywhere. I’m afraid to read what is typing. Need my favorite stimulant. Life sucks without caffeine. I want to sleep. Need.

Moreover, Monty Python has suddenly become hilarious. God help me.


Day 3- When I woke up, my eyes looked like firetrucks, even though I have been getting at least twelve hours of sleep a night to compensate for the lack of caffeine. So I doused my eyes in visine and headed out to the world.

But when I went downstairs I found my brother and my sister-in-law knocking on my door. Apparently, they had called me a few minutes earlier and that is why I was awake. After they explained to me why they came over, I asked them why they came over.

Yes, you read that sentence correctly.

While my lips were forming the words, I knew that it was a mistake; however I did not have enough control over my body to close my mouth in time. My brother and sister-in-law looked at me with the expression of pity/amusement that people give to the mentally deficient. Then they jumped up and down with their starbucks and their energy and their smiles. Bastards. They then took something and left. I was afraid to ask what they were taking, since they explained it to me at least twice.

Also, my tongue, deprived of its favorite taste, has begun to hallucinate. Cereal, soup, bread, and beef all taste like coffee. Am I going insane? I think so.

For leaving me this holiday, my parents gave me some guilt cash. Intending to spread the money out for as long as possible, I decided to go to McDonald’s. For some reason, I drove myself to the one on Green River (30 minutes away) instead of the one on University Drive (only ten minutes away). Sitting in the parking lot, again wondering what the hell was going on, I decided to roll with it and eat wherever I was. But when I inspected my wallet, I found it to be empty. I had left all the cash on my kitchen counter. So I made an hour-long trip for no reason whatsoever.

Screw this. I can’t take it anymore. It’s time to put my coffee maker to work.

And thus ended my non-caffeinated life.