Timestamp- The Point of No Return

With two institutions and four semesters in, there will be no turning back after today. There is no more time find myself or see the world. Of course, I never needed to do either. I have seen enough of the world to know where to be, and my astounding self-absorption never let me lose myself.

Lately I have been wondering if I even have a self.

That last sentence may sound strange to western ears, but it is a pretty common motif elsewhere. Current research seems to indicate that free-will is just a comforting illusion used to rationalize predetermined choices. If that is the case, perhaps I am just a body. Perhaps the “I” in the last sentence was just a schema fashioned by the world to attribute consciousness in a useful organism. Notable humans who have expressed non-self tend to exhibit the most moral actions. Perhaps the universe would be better off if this self-concept inside my body did not exist. Perhaps…


Six finals in half as many days have left me pretty fried. (There I go with a “me”s and “I”s again.) I’ve gotten eight hours of sleep in the last 72. Last night I awoke at 3AM due to an uncertain cause. Exactly two minutes later, I realized that I had a wet dream. It was not any wet dream through; it was if a bucket of come spilled in my bed. I’m the middle of a dry spell. (Obviously, since I had a bucket’s worth of pent-up sperm.) This body needs more sex.

Outside, it’s raining like a scream. I was walking to a final this morning while the clouds were still holding on to their treasures. The moisture in the air was palpable, tangible, an inevitable sign. The first drop landed on my forehead. It was huge, an obese raindrop. Then the rest came, as the clouds released everything they had worked for, giving rain away like homeless billionaires. A girl shrieked for attention, a few others ran for cover, many continued to walk blindly towards the next thing and the next thing and the next. I stopped, took a break, and embraced the tiny gifts…


So I guess I have reached the point of no return. If I go forward, I have simply put too much effort to change my ways. If I turn back, it has to be today, right now, this instant. I sit on the porch, watching the rain fall.

Evolution of the Romance/Exploitation Film Genre

The Sheik (1921)
Rudolph Rapistino is an Arab Gang Leader of Arabia, the “land where civilization has so happily passed them by.” Girl Who Is Asking For It pretends to be a hooker, primarily for kicks and giggles. Rudolph Rapistino uses the old “rape a girl so she will fall in love with you” trick. Later, Girl Who Is Asking For It inadvertently reveals her love for Rudolph Rapistino in the most melodramatic-silent-era way before she is captured by rapists who she can not love because they are Arabic. Rudolph Rapistino saves the day. Rapistino and Asking For It live happily ever after, because Rapistino was in fact obviously white and was just raised by the Arabs, in the vein of Mowgli being raised by Bagheera and Baloo in Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book.


The Wild One (1954)
Motorcycling Douchebags trash a small town. Marlon Douchebag wants to sleep with Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped. As the night progresses, the Motorcycling Douchebags act more and more like aging gays in a leather bar. Marlon Douchebag cannot sleep with Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped, because she speaks English instead of Jive and treats the elderly with respect instead of killing them. An Old Man dies. The Douchebags leave, but not before Marlon Douchebag leaves behind a stolen trinket in order for Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped can be reassured that she made the right choice in not being raped.


Knocked Up (2007)
Apotow’s Pothead Friends go to the amusement park, despite the fact that they have no income and that shit don’t come cheap. Katherine Bad Luck gets promoted, and unfortunately this leads to a confluence of events which ruins her life. 1) Katherine Bad Luck is happy. 2) Katherine Bad Luck gets drunk. 3) Katherine Bad Luck ends up sleeping with Seth Pothead. 4) Katherine Bad Luck gets Knocked Up. Seth Pothead makes Jew jokes. The audience feels sorry for Katherine, and really wants her to abort it. Plot demands prevent her from doing so. Women have boobies. Potheads have pot. Apotow’s wife has constipation. Katherine Bad Luck has the baby, and sorta kinda tries to raise the baby with Seth Pothead. Much like statistically similar couples from all regions of the United States, they inevitably divorce two to three years later when the novelty of producing a financial parasite loses its luster. The audience learns that they really liked Juno.

Photo Display of the Evolution of the Romance/Exploitation Film Genre

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Out of Context Quote of Myself During Philosophy Class Last Thursday

"It's not like when little Billy asks how babies are born that you pop in porno and say, 'This is where you put the PENIS in and you KEEP ON A ROCKIN' ' "

Emphasis added by me while I said it.
And yes, I am that kid. Shame does not exist in me.

I am DEEP and POETIC

We repeat the aphorism

Over and over and again and again, but

That doesn’t change that

What happened in Vegas stayed in your pants

Notes From My 8AM Chem Class!

Pure substance - matter that cannot be separated into other kinds if matter by any physical process. Element – substance that cannot be broken down by any chemical reaction into simpler substances. Atom – every five minutes of my class, a part of my soul dies. Why am I punishing myself? Please someone, anyone, just kill me now. Just kill me now. No one’s killed me yet. Damn it.

…

Significant figures 1. All non-zero digits 2. all zeros between non- zero digits 3. ending zeros to right of decimal and non-zero digits 4. zeros at the beginning are NOT significant 5. ending zeros in number without decimal may or may not be significant 6. Oh my god, this never ends. Is it time to leave yet? Oh, it is still the first ten minutes of class. Damn it. That girl just left. Is it time to leave yet? Oh, she is just taking a call. That’s pretty rude. I should pretend to take a call and just leave. Oh, I’ve got an emergency call, I must take my backpack to answer it, I’ll say. This is very important, my mother’s dieing, I’ll say. She needs my backpack, I’ll say. Yes my mother was dieing last time, I do have more than one mother and they are all dieing, I’ll say. That’s right, and my last mother died while I was tying to leave Chem class thanks for fucking bringing it up, I’ll say. You should be sorry, I’ll say.

No, wait, better idea: I’ll have someone call me so I don’t have to make a beeping noise of pretend I’m being vibrated. Pretending to being vibrated is pretty funny, lol.

Wait, did I just laugh out loud?

Did anyone notice me? I should try to inconspicuously look around.

Okay, here I go.

…

I am positive that there is no way to inconspicuously look around a blank lecture hall. I guess I can pretend that I am really, really interested in the bland walls. It is statistically more probable to be interested in bland walls than to be interested in chemistry. Okay, here I go.

…

Oh my god, It looks like they are watching home videos from Auschwitz. I couldn’t have laughed, because all positive emotions are nullified be the abyss that is 8:00 AM Chem 101 in Forum Hall 103. I think looking at their faces made my day worse. Seriously, I feel awful. Like I’m vomiting poop. Like someone kicked my puppy, and by kicked I mean skewered and by puppy I mean my penis. I probably should be taking actual notes.

…

1in = 2.54 cm. 1 lb = 453.6 g. 1 cm3 = Why am I punishing myself? Please someone, anyone, just kill me now. Just kill me now. No one’s killed me yet. Damn it.

Introductory Paragraphs of Papers Juxtaposed With What I Was Really Thinking

The worldviews of ancient peoples survive today through the texts Epic of Gilgamesh and Genesis (What the hell do I know about Genesis and Gilgamesh? Time to bullshit!). The texts share similar themes; however, their perspectives on life differ drastically, and in many points oppose each other (Crap, all I wrote down in my notes Genesis=Happy, Gilgamesh=Sad). Because of certain differences, the worldview portrayed in The Epic of Gilgamesh is more appropriate in the modern age (If my response is different from the rest of the class, maybe he won’t know that I am bullshitting. Go team me!).


Modern students are able to learn the philosophy of Socrates through the works of his student Plato (But I don’t care). One such work is Plato’s The Apology, which describes Socrates’ courtroom defense against the accusations that Socrates corrupted the youth of Athens and committed blasphemy (I still don’t care). In The Apology, Socrates was found guilty of the accusations and sentenced to death (Sucks to be him). Despite the fact that Socrates did not fully prove his innocence, his philosophy is still useful and appropriate for modern students (I’m so stealing this one from Wikipedia).


The Satyricon was written by Petronius in the mid first century (What? There was a paper due last week? What the hell? Why didn’t anyone remind me?). A passage within The Satyricon, “The Banquet of Trimalchio,” features a fictional formal dinner during that time period (Oh right, I didn’t go to class). Moreover, the story describes the effects of freeing slaves in Roman society, which was at that point a recent social change (Believe me, I was doing something of the utmost important. I was fighting my addiction. That’s right I’m addicted. To laziness). By evaluating “The Banquet of Trimalchio,” one can easily perceive the negative attitude Petronius had towards the freed slaves (Hey, could I borrow your notes?).


In the early 14th century, Dante Alighieri wrote The Inferno, which details a journey through Hell by a fictionalized version of the author (So what’s this prompt about?). In the late 20th and early 21st century, Joss Whedon produced the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which followed the adventures of the fictional character Buffy Summers (I can compare this poem to any post-modern depiction of hell that I choose? Really?). In the series finale “Chosen,” Buffy Summers enters Hell with other women in order to fight the forces of evil (It’s really that open-ended?). Due to the corresponding settings, one is able to easily recognize the many thematic differences of the two works (Awesome). By examining the thematic differences between The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, one can evaluate the many differences between 14th century Florentine culture and 21st century American culture; such as the different perceived natures of Hell, the different roles of women in society, the different views on sexual ethics, the different mediums of storytelling, as well as the different moral approaches (I’m going to milk this one for seven pages. Then I’m going to put it on my blog. Twice.)

Scenic Nature Photo or Sexual Imagery? YOU DECIDE!

I'm Shameful

What up, bitches. Since I want to save what I’ve written for rainier days, but still want to contribute to my Shameful Thing, I’m posting an old paper of mine. It’s a research paper, which means it gets pretty dry at points. But if you stick with me I start talking about sex. And then I have an interlude of hot, sweaty, dirty sex. At one point there’s even some S&M. So read.


Buffy Vs. The Inferno

In the early 14th century, Dante Alighieri wrote The Inferno, which details a journey through Hell by a fictionalized version of the author (Matthews and Platt, 2008). In the late 20th and early 21st century, Joss Whedon produced the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which followed the adventures of the fictional character Buffy Summers. In the series finale “Chosen,” Buffy Summers enters Hell with other women in order to fight the forces of evil (Whedon, 2003). Due to the corresponding settings, one is able to easily recognize the many thematic differences of the two works. By examining the thematic differences between The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, one can evaluate the many differences between 14th century Florentine culture and 21st century American culture; such as the different perceived natures of Hell, the different roles of women in society, the different views on sexual ethics, the different mediums of storytelling, as well as the different moral approaches.

In The Inferno, the character Dante is given a tour of Hell by his idol, the Roman poet Virgil. They pass through nine circles of Hell. Each circle houses a different group of sinners who are being punished for their crimes. Each type of punishment corresponds with the particular sin. For example, gluttons, those who had constantly overeaten and were continually lazy during their lives, spend the afterlife wallowing in garbage in the third circle of Hell as punishment for their sin. In life, they did nothing but lie around and create waste. So in death, they do nothing but lie in waste. After touring through hell, Dante travels through Purgatory and Heaven in the aptly named poems Purgatorio and Paradiso. However in order to travel through Heaven, Dante must leave Virgil behind and follow his childhood love Beatrice instead. Through this exchange, the allegorical nature of the poem becomes apparent. Dante Alighieri wrote The Inferno as an allegory for how one becomes a moral person and enters heaven. According to Alighieri, one must first follow human reason, which is represented by the Roman poet Virgil. Afterwards one must then accept divine love, which is represented by Beatrice (Alighieri, 1982).

Similarly to The Inferno, Buffy the Vampire Slayer functions as an allegory. However unlike the allegory of morality in The Inferno, Buffy is an allegory for the feminist movement. In the television series, Buffy Summers is teenager chosen to be the slayer, the one girl who defends humanity by fighting demons on a regular basis. Using her supernatural strength and the magical abilities of her friends, she stops demons and other forces of evil that have traveled into the mortal world. In the series finale “Chosen” Buffy and her allies, tired of repeatedly being attacked by their enemies, descend into hell in order the rid the world of evil. In Buffy, Hell is the home of a multitude of vampires and demons. Once Buffy is in Hell, the supporting character Willow performs a spell which makes women throughout the world gain the supernatural strength of the slayer. This is where the allegorical nature of the series presents itself. Buffy and her compatriots Willow and Faith represent the leaders of the women’s civil rights movement, who used their strength of character to fight for the rights of women (Whedon, 2003).

The dissimilar nature of the two works creates a large amount of different material to compare. First to be considered is the different natures of Hell within the two works. In The Inferno, Hell is the place of punishment for sinners. Each sin has an elaborate punishment designed specifically for the sinners (Alighieri, 1982). In Buffy, though, Hell is simply a concentration of evil forces. This shows a clear divide between the two cultures that the works originated from. In the early 21st century American culture, Hell is no longer thought of as where people go to be penalized. Instead, it is thought of as a source of malevolence. Also, in Buffy evil forces are also portrayed as sexist ones. One of the final villains of the series is Caleb, a superhuman misogynist who wears the outfits of a priest simply because he enjoys their style (Whedon, 2003). This also touches upon the main difference between the cultures and the two works: the role of women in society.

In The Inferno, women are portrayed as a weaker sex, when they are portrayed. With one exception, women are excluded from the lower and more extreme regions of Hell. This is due to the cultural context of the work. In 14th century Florence, women were incapable of committing severe crimes due to their secondary status within society. Since they were not permitted to hold office, they could not commit the crime of graft; because they were not permitted to become high-level clergy, they could not commit the crime of hypocrisy; and so forth. The Inferno reflects this. The only sins women commit are sins of sexual passion.

Women in The Inferno are housed in the second circle of Hell, the carnal, where they are eternally swept by a whirlwind just like they were swept by their passions during life. The historical and mythological figures Semiramis, Dido, Cleopatra, Helen, and Francesca all reside in the second circle. The only exception to this rule is Potiphar’s wife, who resides in the eighth circle, where she burns with a fever eternally. But like the other women, her crime is a sexual one. Her sin was the desire for an illicit relationship with Joseph (Alighieri, 1982). This shows that women’s main role in 14th century Florentine society was to love men.

Conversely, in the 21st century American society, women are equals to men. Particularly in Buffy, women are the warriors. Buffy Summers, her fellow slayer Faith, and her friend Willow all possess superhuman abilities which they use to fight evil. It should also be noted that in the fictional universe of Buffy there are superhumanly strong men as well, such as the characters Angel, Riley, and Spike. However, the three women are frequently shown to be as strong as or stronger than the men. Additionally, there are many characters within the series who are normal humans (Whedon, 2003).

Despite the superhuman or human nature of the characters, all are equals. All make their own choices free from societal restrictions. Also in Buffy, the female characters take on roles that only men could in 14th century Florentine society. Buffy works, Willow and Dawn go to school, and Anya owns a business (Whedon, 2003). These were unreachable positions for the women depicted in The Inferno.

The purposes of each work may also explain many of the differences. The Inferno is an allegory of how one enters heaven and becomes a moral person by using reason and accepting God’s love (Alighieri, 1982). In contrast, Buffy explicitly rejects the morality and sexual ethics found in The Inferno. All major characters in Buffy, except for Dawn due to her young age, have extra-marital sexual relationships. In The Inferno, such relationships were condemned. Extra-marital sex was the reason why characters were punished in the second circle of hell. In Buffy and in 21st century America, though, sex is a healthy part of any long-term romantic relationship.

In addition, long-term gay relationships are depicted positively in Buffy, while in the Inferno such relationships are condemned. In The Inferno, the seventh circle of hell housed gays, classified as violent against nature. There, Dante meets Ser Brunetto Latino, an idol of his. For his crime of gay sex, he roams the circle of burning sand with others as flames rained down upon them (Alighieri, 1982).

Buffy, on the other hand, had a relatively upbeat depiction of gay relationships. In the fourth season, the supporting character Willow, a woman, met and fell in love with the character Tara, another woman. They continued to have a long-term romantic relationship with each other until Tara’s death. Nine months later, Willow became involved with Kennedy, another reoccurring female character. Also there were multiple reoccurring male characters that were depicted as gay (Whedon, 2003).

Beyond the differences of the role of women in society and sexual ethics, The Inferno and Buffy demonstrate another key difference between their cultures of origin. The Inferno is part of an epic poem while Buffy is a long running television series. This showcases the different storytelling mediums used in the two cultures. In Western culture, the chief avenue for storytelling has changed from poems and literature to television and film.

Even with all their differences, The Inferno unmistakably influenced Buffy. The television show used the superficial elements of the poem such as demons and prophecy to highlight the different moral approaches. In the poem, demons punished sinners, while prophecies which predicted events tied the poem to the real world (Alighieri, 1982). In the show, demons hunt victims who live in the real world, while prophecy is used mostly to foreshadow story points (Whedon, 2003).

By connecting Buffy the Vampire Slayer with The Inferno, producer Joss Whedon highlighted the different moral approaches. In The Inferno, one goes to heaven by using reason and accepting divine grace (Alighieri, 1982). In Buffy, one goes to heaven by simply being a good person. After dying at the end of season five, and coming back to life at the beginning of season six, Buffy Summers believed that she was in Heaven. Yet, when asked by a vampire whether or not God exists in the season seven episode “Conversations with Dead People,” she states that no one really knows (Whedon, 2003). In Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when a person enters Heaven, God is not involved. This is a direct rejection of the moral theory found in The Inferno.

The different themes of The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer reveal key differences between the Western culture 14th century Florence and the Western culture of 21st century America. Hell is no longer perceived as a place for punishment for sinners, it is now considered to be a place of general evil. Women no longer function in relation to men, now they are equal to men. Sexual ethics has changed drastically. Formerly only married sexual relationships were praised, now all long-term romantic relationships are sexual ones. Also, the main medium of storytelling has changed from epic poems to long running television series. All these elements may tie into the different moral approaches illustrated in The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In The Inferno, the means needed for a good life are reason and divine grace. In Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the key to a good life is good works. God is optional.


Notice how I didn’t devolve my paper with a detour of sexual deviation? Yeah, I was just fucking with you in the intro. Kinda makes you pissed, doesn’t it? But you gotta admit that the last line was killer.

Happy Normative Relationships Day!

So this is the only photo I have that is vaguely love-themed. Enjoy it. Also if you are not in a normative relationship, then please use this day to fight the system that defines a loving relationship through societal expectations and outdated gender roles. Translation: I give you permission to fuck random strangers (preferably more than one) and not call them back.

OMG! Am I looking at genitals?

THE REAL Scooby-Doo

Upon graduating high school, a group of local burnouts engage in a road trip in one’s hippie van while experimenting with recreational drug use. One’s use of marijuana causes an overabundance of the munchies, but his high metabolism rate plus his increased forgetfulness prevents weight gain. After ingesting several “Scooby-Snacks” the teenagers hallucinate that their dog has the ability to speak.

The teenagers become a disturbance to the peace in Middle America when they have delusions of the local museum’s suit of armor abducting community leaders. The gang, determined to solve the mystery, break into the museum after business hours and terrorize the night staff. During a bad trip, one female appears to have the ability to sprint while carrying three others and the dog.

A member of the night staff calls the police, which exacerbates the situation for a few more hours. The gang only settles down after a local officer praises the teenagers for their bravery and pretends to take a man into custody. The elderly night staff admonishes “those meddling kids” as the gang returns to their vehicle.

The teenagers circle their hometown and the surrounding countryside in the hippie van, repetitively finding “monsters” and “mysteries” every time they take a hit of acid. The cycle continues until the gang hallucinates Don Knotts pathetically performing several roles in order to remain on broadcast television.

Shocked out of their bohemian lifestyle, the foursome settles down. Daphne marries Fred, markets their stories as a children’s television series, and they now live together with their two kids in the country club. Velma teaches gender studies at a regional university. Shaggy continues to tour the countryside with the dog.

Both experience flashbacks of their days as a part of Mystery Inc…

Beginning of the Semester Observations

Ahh, stress, how I have missed thee.

Has it been almost a month since we last were together? I know we briefly got it own while I was visiting relatives. But otherwise I actually rested, read for leisure, and laughed over our break. And we were on a break so don’t look at me that way, I know you moved on to retail business owners, anyway. But now it’s just you and me baby. Say hello again to weekly all-nighters. Not the fun, I’m so drunk I can’t fall asleep and this other drunk keeps smooshing into me , kind of all-nighters but the ones filled with over preparation, anxiety, and thoughts of inadequacies.

I shouldn’t be jumping ahead of myself. It is 1 AM while I write this so I may actually fall asleep tonight. Maybe.

Yesterday was first day of my second semester at my second cheap commuter school. And that is way too many numbers to think about in my current mental state. I have three classes so far Nutrition (ugh), Chemistry (double ugh), and Learning Theory. Let’s take them apart in the order from least to most intimidating:

A) Nutrition is full of Ed majors. And something about their preference to associate with children and their inability to make any decisions without calling their significant, soon to be married to and visibly pregnant by, other (who is always their third fiancé, if you count the ones in high school) makes me want to bludgeon them to death their color-coordinated three-ring binders. But other than that, I should be fine.

B) Then there is Chem. I have one of those professors who, if there were a God, would not be paid. The professor started off the semester trying to make himself relatable by saying “he wasn’t the best student ever”, i.e. he failed every course because he was too busy honing his beer gut. Somehow, he has landed an adjunct position and has chosen to hold his captives to standards that he himself was unable to meet when he was in our position. His idea of homework is for us to do one hundred problems and then he will grade us on the two problems the least amount of people finished.

I tell myself a little mantra to get through the hour, “After this, my only Core Class will be ping pong. After this, my only General Ed will be ping pong.” It makes everything easier.

C) Last, and most worrying is Learning Theory (essentially a course in behaviorism (guys like Pavlov and Piaget)). This sounds fun and interesting and manageable, except that I do not have the three hundred dollars to spend on the textbooks. Oh well, time to start my next crappy job search.

That’s only half of my courses. The other three include Physiological Psych which I took to see if night classes are for me. I like having class when I am actually alert. But I don’t like spending three hours in the same damn room. It makes me want to go insane, which would be good practice for the other psych majors.

Penultimately is Orientation to a Psych Major, which I like because it’s mellow.

Lastly is Sexual Ethics, which I like because we talk about sex.

And that’s the rundown. I wish I could elaborate but I’ve got to study. And get a job. And cure cancer. And prevent the apocalypse. You know, the usual.

Unsolicited Sex Advice from Neighborhood Senior Citizen Women: Part 2

“I know my kinks would scare any sane person. But if I continue with my boyfriend’s vanilla tendencies then I’ll have to cheat! How can I possibly scratch my itch and still stay committed?”



1. Esther, who owns six bibles: Don’t worry about being subtle. You already know he’s attracted to you, so make sure he knows what turns you on. And don’t forget the power of Christian music! If you play “I get on my knees” when you two go into the bedroom, then he’ll know what to do.

FYI: Don’t use “Washed by the Blood of the Lamb.” Let me tell you from experience, lamb’s blood is plain unsanitary. There’s a difference between dirty sexy and just dirty.



2. Lila, who owns six cats: If he isn’t fulfilling your needs, then why do you want to stay with him? If he doesn’t love you for whom you are, then move on to the next one. Or buy a cat!



3. Mona, who owns six men: Introduce your kink gradually into a sexy conversation, while making sure to ask your partner what he would like to do to spice up your sex life as well. If you turn the conversation into foreplay, then you have just associated your kink with sex in your partner’s mind. And after you’ve opened that door, make sure to incorporate your kink gradually. If he lets you do it with your bat mask, it won’t be long before you wear the matching outfits you just spent 200 dollars on. By the way, you shouldn’t leave your receipts on the counter when company comes over.

Unsolicited Sex Advice from Neighborhood Senior Citizen Women: Part 1

It happens. You’re on your cell, talking over your current sexual woes privately to a more experienced confidant and the Bush administration. When you turn the corner though, you find the old woman knitting a sweater with a grin on her face larger than the time your parents sent the “Number 1 Grandma” shirt. To your horror, granny doesn’t take your hints when you ask if her hearing aid was off. Instead, she pictures herself as a regular Sue Johanson and begins to impart advice about how to deal with your current significant other…


“Every time I mention having a threesome, my girlfriend looks disgusted and won’t even discuss it. How can I get her to see my side?”


1. Esther, the deacon’s wife: Oh, honey, have you tried referencing Genesis in conversations? If it was good enough for Abraham then it’s good enough for my little sweetie. Also, ask your girlfriend if she really wants to live biblical lifestyle. That always worked for me.


2. Lila, the cat lady: If she isn’t fulfilling your needs, then why are you dating her? If she doesn’t love you for whom you are, then move on to the next one. Or buy a cat!


3. Mona, former professional divorcee: First, bring it into conversations as hypothetical. “If one would have a threesome, then there should not be any kissing on the mouth. Don’t you agree?” By bouncing ideas around, you will set up the ground rules for the two of you. If that doesn’t work (and even if it does work), stress that no one could replace the love you have for her. The other person that you both decide on is an accessory, not a partner. Plus, you get to bang the other chick without consequences.

Are You A Reality TV Show Contestant?

Have you ever wondered if you are Reality Television material? Find out now with this simple, multiple-choice questionnaire!

1. You are in close quarters with seven strangers for a few weeks, do you…
A. Try to respect their personal space.
B. Insult the others behind their backs, but in front of the cameras.
C. Spread Syphilis!

2. You use the phrase…
A. “Have a nice day!”
B. “Why do I have to work?”
C. “I don’t mean to be a bitch, but…”

3. In your daily life, you try to…
A. Foster humanity in yourself and in others.
B. Keep it “real.”
C. Exemplify a stereotype.

4. You and seven others are in an uncomfortably warm room, do you…
A. Turn on the air-conditioner.
B. Undress.
C. Lick yourself.

5. You just woke up an hour late. Your first thought is…
A. “Crap! I forgot to set the alarm!”
B. “Crap! I forgot to exploit myself!”
C. “Crap! I forgot to hide the bodies!”

For every answer A, give yourself zero (0) points. For every answer B, give yourself five (5) points. For every answer C, give yourself ten (10) points. Add your points together and you have your score!

Your Score: Your Title:

0-10 Normal Person. You are firmly grounded in reality and have an excellent grasp of current social mores. Good Job!

15-35 Reality TV Show Contestant. You belong in front of cameras, so the rest of us can enjoy our shaddenfruede. Good Job!

40-50 Psychotic. Please wear a sign that reads, “Do Not Touch. Crazy/Insane,” so that we may have a fair warning. Good Job!

Drunk Dialer: Miss Piggy

Justin: Piggy! Piggy!

Miss Piggy: Yes, this is moi. To whom am I speaking?

Justin: Piggy! It’s me! Justin!

Miss Piggy: Oh, brother. You wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?

J: Yes!! How’d you guess?

MP: What other times do you call me?

J: Uhh… umm… When I want money?

MP: True. Is that why you called?

J: No! I called because I’m lonely!

MP: Look fellah, I don’t have time for this. I’m a busy pig.

J: Hey, Piggy! Remember the old times!

MP: Unfortunately.

J: Remember the times when I was lonely, and you were lonely, and we were drunk?

MP: Justin! I certainly do not!

J: Oh. Remember the times when I was lonely, and you were lonely, and you were drunk?

MP: I don’t deserve this kind of treatment! Hii-yaah!

J: Oww!! Did you just hit me over the phone?

MP: I’m that good, baby.
[Hangs up]

CBS Cares... Sorta

Actual Slogan:
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from Aids.


Unused Slogans from the Brainstorming Session:

If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, then you’re probably gay.
If you’re on drugs or haven taken a lot of alcohol, don’t dial your ex. They will only have rebound sex with you while they are on drugs.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from your HIV positive coke addict sex buddy.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, don’t give your designated driver a few hundred dollars for gas. Trust us; gas prices didn’t get as high as you did.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t fully protect yourself from crazy drugged-out transsexuals with machetes.
If you snort more than one line of cocaine, take a sick day from work. It will be our little secret.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from creepy, paternalistic, abstinence-only television professionals who don’t know how to live a little.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, we are better than you.

Drunk Dialer: Tyra Banks

Justin: Hello?

Tyra Banks: JUSTON! What’s up, buddy?

Justin: Hey, Tyra.

Tyra Banks: I was just talking to myself, “You know who we need to talk to? Justin,” That’s what we said. Justin’s a great talker. Justin’s a good friend.

J: He left you, didn’t he?

TB: No! I just wanted to talk to my friend!

J: Oh, well in that case, an interesting thing happened to me today. I was at the-

TB: HE LEFT ME! He! Left me! This is the worst day of my life! I said to him, “KISS MY FAT ASS!” Who does he think he is? Tyra Banks? ‘Cause only Tyra can break up with Tyra.

J: You wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?

TB: YES! I’m completely intalksicated! I’m drunk on Tyra! And Jack Daniels!

J: How are you holding up?

TB: I’m good. I’m a survivor, I’m gonna make it. You know people on the street mistake me for Beyonce? One time, I performed a sex show as Beyonce! When I was a child! It was the worst day of my life! I was abused as a child! Did you know that?

J: Yes, we’ve discussed it before. I think it’s very brave that-

TB: Yea-huh, I survive! A girl with this kind of bah-donka-donk don’t stay single for long!

J: That’s true. I-

TB: I’m glad we got to glamunicate! If I was white, I’d be Oprah!

J: It is always nice to talk to you too, Tyra. So are you feeling better?

TB: No! There’s a hole in my heartbreak and it hurts. And the hole gets wider and wider every time I think! That’s my problem. Thoughts.

J: So… do you want to have consolation sex?

TB: Err, I’ve got to go! CRRR! Bad cell phone reception! CRRR! That’s a funny sound to say! CRRR!

J: Tyra, I know what you are doing.

TB: No you don’t!

J: You are faking poor reception in order to avoid an awkward conversation.

TB: No I’m not! KISS MY FAT ASS! CRRR!
[Hangs up]

New Title

Apparently the purposefully bland "Anonymous College Student Blog" is not working that well since no one reads this. I need a name that will entice people.

Possibilities:
1. Casual Sex
2. I am deep and quirky
3. I am deep and quirky and therefore we should have casual sex
4. I do this for the attention

Here's a nice game for the lurkers: Guess which one(s) is(are) ironic!