The Sheik (1921)
Rudolph Rapistino is an Arab Gang Leader of Arabia, the “land where civilization has so happily passed them by.” Girl Who Is Asking For It pretends to be a hooker, primarily for kicks and giggles. Rudolph Rapistino uses the old “rape a girl so she will fall in love with you” trick. Later, Girl Who Is Asking For It inadvertently reveals her love for Rudolph Rapistino in the most melodramatic-silent-era way before she is captured by rapists who she can not love because they are Arabic. Rudolph Rapistino saves the day. Rapistino and Asking For It live happily ever after, because Rapistino was in fact obviously white and was just raised by the Arabs, in the vein of Mowgli being raised by Bagheera and Baloo in Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book.
The Wild One (1954)
Motorcycling Douchebags trash a small town. Marlon Douchebag wants to sleep with Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped. As the night progresses, the Motorcycling Douchebags act more and more like aging gays in a leather bar. Marlon Douchebag cannot sleep with Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped, because she speaks English instead of Jive and treats the elderly with respect instead of killing them. An Old Man dies. The Douchebags leave, but not before Marlon Douchebag leaves behind a stolen trinket in order for Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped can be reassured that she made the right choice in not being raped.
Knocked Up (2007)
Apotow’s Pothead Friends go to the amusement park, despite the fact that they have no income and that shit don’t come cheap. Katherine Bad Luck gets promoted, and unfortunately this leads to a confluence of events which ruins her life. 1) Katherine Bad Luck is happy. 2) Katherine Bad Luck gets drunk. 3) Katherine Bad Luck ends up sleeping with Seth Pothead. 4) Katherine Bad Luck gets Knocked Up. Seth Pothead makes Jew jokes. The audience feels sorry for Katherine, and really wants her to abort it. Plot demands prevent her from doing so. Women have boobies. Potheads have pot. Apotow’s wife has constipation. Katherine Bad Luck has the baby, and sorta kinda tries to raise the baby with Seth Pothead. Much like statistically similar couples from all regions of the United States, they inevitably divorce two to three years later when the novelty of producing a financial parasite loses its luster. The audience learns that they really liked Juno.
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
05 May 2008
Photo Display of the Evolution of the Romance/Exploitation Film Genre
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25 February 2008
Introductory Paragraphs of Papers Juxtaposed With What I Was Really Thinking
The worldviews of ancient peoples survive today through the texts Epic of Gilgamesh and Genesis (What the hell do I know about Genesis and Gilgamesh? Time to bullshit!). The texts share similar themes; however, their perspectives on life differ drastically, and in many points oppose each other (Crap, all I wrote down in my notes Genesis=Happy, Gilgamesh=Sad). Because of certain differences, the worldview portrayed in The Epic of Gilgamesh is more appropriate in the modern age (If my response is different from the rest of the class, maybe he won’t know that I am bullshitting. Go team me!).
Modern students are able to learn the philosophy of Socrates through the works of his student Plato (But I don’t care). One such work is Plato’s The Apology, which describes Socrates’ courtroom defense against the accusations that Socrates corrupted the youth of Athens and committed blasphemy (I still don’t care). In The Apology, Socrates was found guilty of the accusations and sentenced to death (Sucks to be him). Despite the fact that Socrates did not fully prove his innocence, his philosophy is still useful and appropriate for modern students (I’m so stealing this one from Wikipedia).
The Satyricon was written by Petronius in the mid first century (What? There was a paper due last week? What the hell? Why didn’t anyone remind me?). A passage within The Satyricon, “The Banquet of Trimalchio,” features a fictional formal dinner during that time period (Oh right, I didn’t go to class). Moreover, the story describes the effects of freeing slaves in Roman society, which was at that point a recent social change (Believe me, I was doing something of the utmost important. I was fighting my addiction. That’s right I’m addicted. To laziness). By evaluating “The Banquet of Trimalchio,” one can easily perceive the negative attitude Petronius had towards the freed slaves (Hey, could I borrow your notes?).
In the early 14th century, Dante Alighieri wrote The Inferno, which details a journey through Hell by a fictionalized version of the author (So what’s this prompt about?). In the late 20th and early 21st century, Joss Whedon produced the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which followed the adventures of the fictional character Buffy Summers (I can compare this poem to any post-modern depiction of hell that I choose? Really?). In the series finale “Chosen,” Buffy Summers enters Hell with other women in order to fight the forces of evil (It’s really that open-ended?). Due to the corresponding settings, one is able to easily recognize the many thematic differences of the two works (Awesome). By examining the thematic differences between The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, one can evaluate the many differences between 14th century Florentine culture and 21st century American culture; such as the different perceived natures of Hell, the different roles of women in society, the different views on sexual ethics, the different mediums of storytelling, as well as the different moral approaches (I’m going to milk this one for seven pages. Then I’m going to put it on my blog. Twice.)
Modern students are able to learn the philosophy of Socrates through the works of his student Plato (But I don’t care). One such work is Plato’s The Apology, which describes Socrates’ courtroom defense against the accusations that Socrates corrupted the youth of Athens and committed blasphemy (I still don’t care). In The Apology, Socrates was found guilty of the accusations and sentenced to death (Sucks to be him). Despite the fact that Socrates did not fully prove his innocence, his philosophy is still useful and appropriate for modern students (I’m so stealing this one from Wikipedia).
The Satyricon was written by Petronius in the mid first century (What? There was a paper due last week? What the hell? Why didn’t anyone remind me?). A passage within The Satyricon, “The Banquet of Trimalchio,” features a fictional formal dinner during that time period (Oh right, I didn’t go to class). Moreover, the story describes the effects of freeing slaves in Roman society, which was at that point a recent social change (Believe me, I was doing something of the utmost important. I was fighting my addiction. That’s right I’m addicted. To laziness). By evaluating “The Banquet of Trimalchio,” one can easily perceive the negative attitude Petronius had towards the freed slaves (Hey, could I borrow your notes?).
In the early 14th century, Dante Alighieri wrote The Inferno, which details a journey through Hell by a fictionalized version of the author (So what’s this prompt about?). In the late 20th and early 21st century, Joss Whedon produced the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which followed the adventures of the fictional character Buffy Summers (I can compare this poem to any post-modern depiction of hell that I choose? Really?). In the series finale “Chosen,” Buffy Summers enters Hell with other women in order to fight the forces of evil (It’s really that open-ended?). Due to the corresponding settings, one is able to easily recognize the many thematic differences of the two works (Awesome). By examining the thematic differences between The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, one can evaluate the many differences between 14th century Florentine culture and 21st century American culture; such as the different perceived natures of Hell, the different roles of women in society, the different views on sexual ethics, the different mediums of storytelling, as well as the different moral approaches (I’m going to milk this one for seven pages. Then I’m going to put it on my blog. Twice.)
18 February 2008
I'm Shameful
What up, bitches. Since I want to save what I’ve written for rainier days, but still want to contribute to my Shameful Thing, I’m posting an old paper of mine. It’s a research paper, which means it gets pretty dry at points. But if you stick with me I start talking about sex. And then I have an interlude of hot, sweaty, dirty sex. At one point there’s even some S&M. So read.
Buffy Vs. The Inferno
In the early 14th century, Dante Alighieri wrote The Inferno, which details a journey through Hell by a fictionalized version of the author (Matthews and Platt, 2008). In the late 20th and early 21st century, Joss Whedon produced the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which followed the adventures of the fictional character Buffy Summers. In the series finale “Chosen,” Buffy Summers enters Hell with other women in order to fight the forces of evil (Whedon, 2003). Due to the corresponding settings, one is able to easily recognize the many thematic differences of the two works. By examining the thematic differences between The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, one can evaluate the many differences between 14th century Florentine culture and 21st century American culture; such as the different perceived natures of Hell, the different roles of women in society, the different views on sexual ethics, the different mediums of storytelling, as well as the different moral approaches.
In The Inferno, the character Dante is given a tour of Hell by his idol, the Roman poet Virgil. They pass through nine circles of Hell. Each circle houses a different group of sinners who are being punished for their crimes. Each type of punishment corresponds with the particular sin. For example, gluttons, those who had constantly overeaten and were continually lazy during their lives, spend the afterlife wallowing in garbage in the third circle of Hell as punishment for their sin. In life, they did nothing but lie around and create waste. So in death, they do nothing but lie in waste. After touring through hell, Dante travels through Purgatory and Heaven in the aptly named poems Purgatorio and Paradiso. However in order to travel through Heaven, Dante must leave Virgil behind and follow his childhood love Beatrice instead. Through this exchange, the allegorical nature of the poem becomes apparent. Dante Alighieri wrote The Inferno as an allegory for how one becomes a moral person and enters heaven. According to Alighieri, one must first follow human reason, which is represented by the Roman poet Virgil. Afterwards one must then accept divine love, which is represented by Beatrice (Alighieri, 1982).
Similarly to The Inferno, Buffy the Vampire Slayer functions as an allegory. However unlike the allegory of morality in The Inferno, Buffy is an allegory for the feminist movement. In the television series, Buffy Summers is teenager chosen to be the slayer, the one girl who defends humanity by fighting demons on a regular basis. Using her supernatural strength and the magical abilities of her friends, she stops demons and other forces of evil that have traveled into the mortal world. In the series finale “Chosen” Buffy and her allies, tired of repeatedly being attacked by their enemies, descend into hell in order the rid the world of evil. In Buffy, Hell is the home of a multitude of vampires and demons. Once Buffy is in Hell, the supporting character Willow performs a spell which makes women throughout the world gain the supernatural strength of the slayer. This is where the allegorical nature of the series presents itself. Buffy and her compatriots Willow and Faith represent the leaders of the women’s civil rights movement, who used their strength of character to fight for the rights of women (Whedon, 2003).
The dissimilar nature of the two works creates a large amount of different material to compare. First to be considered is the different natures of Hell within the two works. In The Inferno, Hell is the place of punishment for sinners. Each sin has an elaborate punishment designed specifically for the sinners (Alighieri, 1982). In Buffy, though, Hell is simply a concentration of evil forces. This shows a clear divide between the two cultures that the works originated from. In the early 21st century American culture, Hell is no longer thought of as where people go to be penalized. Instead, it is thought of as a source of malevolence. Also, in Buffy evil forces are also portrayed as sexist ones. One of the final villains of the series is Caleb, a superhuman misogynist who wears the outfits of a priest simply because he enjoys their style (Whedon, 2003). This also touches upon the main difference between the cultures and the two works: the role of women in society.
In The Inferno, women are portrayed as a weaker sex, when they are portrayed. With one exception, women are excluded from the lower and more extreme regions of Hell. This is due to the cultural context of the work. In 14th century Florence, women were incapable of committing severe crimes due to their secondary status within society. Since they were not permitted to hold office, they could not commit the crime of graft; because they were not permitted to become high-level clergy, they could not commit the crime of hypocrisy; and so forth. The Inferno reflects this. The only sins women commit are sins of sexual passion.
Women in The Inferno are housed in the second circle of Hell, the carnal, where they are eternally swept by a whirlwind just like they were swept by their passions during life. The historical and mythological figures Semiramis, Dido, Cleopatra, Helen, and Francesca all reside in the second circle. The only exception to this rule is Potiphar’s wife, who resides in the eighth circle, where she burns with a fever eternally. But like the other women, her crime is a sexual one. Her sin was the desire for an illicit relationship with Joseph (Alighieri, 1982). This shows that women’s main role in 14th century Florentine society was to love men.
Conversely, in the 21st century American society, women are equals to men. Particularly in Buffy, women are the warriors. Buffy Summers, her fellow slayer Faith, and her friend Willow all possess superhuman abilities which they use to fight evil. It should also be noted that in the fictional universe of Buffy there are superhumanly strong men as well, such as the characters Angel, Riley, and Spike. However, the three women are frequently shown to be as strong as or stronger than the men. Additionally, there are many characters within the series who are normal humans (Whedon, 2003).
Despite the superhuman or human nature of the characters, all are equals. All make their own choices free from societal restrictions. Also in Buffy, the female characters take on roles that only men could in 14th century Florentine society. Buffy works, Willow and Dawn go to school, and Anya owns a business (Whedon, 2003). These were unreachable positions for the women depicted in The Inferno.
The purposes of each work may also explain many of the differences. The Inferno is an allegory of how one enters heaven and becomes a moral person by using reason and accepting God’s love (Alighieri, 1982). In contrast, Buffy explicitly rejects the morality and sexual ethics found in The Inferno. All major characters in Buffy, except for Dawn due to her young age, have extra-marital sexual relationships. In The Inferno, such relationships were condemned. Extra-marital sex was the reason why characters were punished in the second circle of hell. In Buffy and in 21st century America, though, sex is a healthy part of any long-term romantic relationship.
In addition, long-term gay relationships are depicted positively in Buffy, while in the Inferno such relationships are condemned. In The Inferno, the seventh circle of hell housed gays, classified as violent against nature. There, Dante meets Ser Brunetto Latino, an idol of his. For his crime of gay sex, he roams the circle of burning sand with others as flames rained down upon them (Alighieri, 1982).
Buffy, on the other hand, had a relatively upbeat depiction of gay relationships. In the fourth season, the supporting character Willow, a woman, met and fell in love with the character Tara, another woman. They continued to have a long-term romantic relationship with each other until Tara’s death. Nine months later, Willow became involved with Kennedy, another reoccurring female character. Also there were multiple reoccurring male characters that were depicted as gay (Whedon, 2003).
Beyond the differences of the role of women in society and sexual ethics, The Inferno and Buffy demonstrate another key difference between their cultures of origin. The Inferno is part of an epic poem while Buffy is a long running television series. This showcases the different storytelling mediums used in the two cultures. In Western culture, the chief avenue for storytelling has changed from poems and literature to television and film.
Even with all their differences, The Inferno unmistakably influenced Buffy. The television show used the superficial elements of the poem such as demons and prophecy to highlight the different moral approaches. In the poem, demons punished sinners, while prophecies which predicted events tied the poem to the real world (Alighieri, 1982). In the show, demons hunt victims who live in the real world, while prophecy is used mostly to foreshadow story points (Whedon, 2003).
By connecting Buffy the Vampire Slayer with The Inferno, producer Joss Whedon highlighted the different moral approaches. In The Inferno, one goes to heaven by using reason and accepting divine grace (Alighieri, 1982). In Buffy, one goes to heaven by simply being a good person. After dying at the end of season five, and coming back to life at the beginning of season six, Buffy Summers believed that she was in Heaven. Yet, when asked by a vampire whether or not God exists in the season seven episode “Conversations with Dead People,” she states that no one really knows (Whedon, 2003). In Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when a person enters Heaven, God is not involved. This is a direct rejection of the moral theory found in The Inferno.
The different themes of The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer reveal key differences between the Western culture 14th century Florence and the Western culture of 21st century America. Hell is no longer perceived as a place for punishment for sinners, it is now considered to be a place of general evil. Women no longer function in relation to men, now they are equal to men. Sexual ethics has changed drastically. Formerly only married sexual relationships were praised, now all long-term romantic relationships are sexual ones. Also, the main medium of storytelling has changed from epic poems to long running television series. All these elements may tie into the different moral approaches illustrated in The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In The Inferno, the means needed for a good life are reason and divine grace. In Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the key to a good life is good works. God is optional.
Notice how I didn’t devolve my paper with a detour of sexual deviation? Yeah, I was just fucking with you in the intro. Kinda makes you pissed, doesn’t it? But you gotta admit that the last line was killer.
Buffy Vs. The Inferno
In the early 14th century, Dante Alighieri wrote The Inferno, which details a journey through Hell by a fictionalized version of the author (Matthews and Platt, 2008). In the late 20th and early 21st century, Joss Whedon produced the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which followed the adventures of the fictional character Buffy Summers. In the series finale “Chosen,” Buffy Summers enters Hell with other women in order to fight the forces of evil (Whedon, 2003). Due to the corresponding settings, one is able to easily recognize the many thematic differences of the two works. By examining the thematic differences between The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, one can evaluate the many differences between 14th century Florentine culture and 21st century American culture; such as the different perceived natures of Hell, the different roles of women in society, the different views on sexual ethics, the different mediums of storytelling, as well as the different moral approaches.
In The Inferno, the character Dante is given a tour of Hell by his idol, the Roman poet Virgil. They pass through nine circles of Hell. Each circle houses a different group of sinners who are being punished for their crimes. Each type of punishment corresponds with the particular sin. For example, gluttons, those who had constantly overeaten and were continually lazy during their lives, spend the afterlife wallowing in garbage in the third circle of Hell as punishment for their sin. In life, they did nothing but lie around and create waste. So in death, they do nothing but lie in waste. After touring through hell, Dante travels through Purgatory and Heaven in the aptly named poems Purgatorio and Paradiso. However in order to travel through Heaven, Dante must leave Virgil behind and follow his childhood love Beatrice instead. Through this exchange, the allegorical nature of the poem becomes apparent. Dante Alighieri wrote The Inferno as an allegory for how one becomes a moral person and enters heaven. According to Alighieri, one must first follow human reason, which is represented by the Roman poet Virgil. Afterwards one must then accept divine love, which is represented by Beatrice (Alighieri, 1982).
Similarly to The Inferno, Buffy the Vampire Slayer functions as an allegory. However unlike the allegory of morality in The Inferno, Buffy is an allegory for the feminist movement. In the television series, Buffy Summers is teenager chosen to be the slayer, the one girl who defends humanity by fighting demons on a regular basis. Using her supernatural strength and the magical abilities of her friends, she stops demons and other forces of evil that have traveled into the mortal world. In the series finale “Chosen” Buffy and her allies, tired of repeatedly being attacked by their enemies, descend into hell in order the rid the world of evil. In Buffy, Hell is the home of a multitude of vampires and demons. Once Buffy is in Hell, the supporting character Willow performs a spell which makes women throughout the world gain the supernatural strength of the slayer. This is where the allegorical nature of the series presents itself. Buffy and her compatriots Willow and Faith represent the leaders of the women’s civil rights movement, who used their strength of character to fight for the rights of women (Whedon, 2003).
The dissimilar nature of the two works creates a large amount of different material to compare. First to be considered is the different natures of Hell within the two works. In The Inferno, Hell is the place of punishment for sinners. Each sin has an elaborate punishment designed specifically for the sinners (Alighieri, 1982). In Buffy, though, Hell is simply a concentration of evil forces. This shows a clear divide between the two cultures that the works originated from. In the early 21st century American culture, Hell is no longer thought of as where people go to be penalized. Instead, it is thought of as a source of malevolence. Also, in Buffy evil forces are also portrayed as sexist ones. One of the final villains of the series is Caleb, a superhuman misogynist who wears the outfits of a priest simply because he enjoys their style (Whedon, 2003). This also touches upon the main difference between the cultures and the two works: the role of women in society.
In The Inferno, women are portrayed as a weaker sex, when they are portrayed. With one exception, women are excluded from the lower and more extreme regions of Hell. This is due to the cultural context of the work. In 14th century Florence, women were incapable of committing severe crimes due to their secondary status within society. Since they were not permitted to hold office, they could not commit the crime of graft; because they were not permitted to become high-level clergy, they could not commit the crime of hypocrisy; and so forth. The Inferno reflects this. The only sins women commit are sins of sexual passion.
Women in The Inferno are housed in the second circle of Hell, the carnal, where they are eternally swept by a whirlwind just like they were swept by their passions during life. The historical and mythological figures Semiramis, Dido, Cleopatra, Helen, and Francesca all reside in the second circle. The only exception to this rule is Potiphar’s wife, who resides in the eighth circle, where she burns with a fever eternally. But like the other women, her crime is a sexual one. Her sin was the desire for an illicit relationship with Joseph (Alighieri, 1982). This shows that women’s main role in 14th century Florentine society was to love men.
Conversely, in the 21st century American society, women are equals to men. Particularly in Buffy, women are the warriors. Buffy Summers, her fellow slayer Faith, and her friend Willow all possess superhuman abilities which they use to fight evil. It should also be noted that in the fictional universe of Buffy there are superhumanly strong men as well, such as the characters Angel, Riley, and Spike. However, the three women are frequently shown to be as strong as or stronger than the men. Additionally, there are many characters within the series who are normal humans (Whedon, 2003).
Despite the superhuman or human nature of the characters, all are equals. All make their own choices free from societal restrictions. Also in Buffy, the female characters take on roles that only men could in 14th century Florentine society. Buffy works, Willow and Dawn go to school, and Anya owns a business (Whedon, 2003). These were unreachable positions for the women depicted in The Inferno.
The purposes of each work may also explain many of the differences. The Inferno is an allegory of how one enters heaven and becomes a moral person by using reason and accepting God’s love (Alighieri, 1982). In contrast, Buffy explicitly rejects the morality and sexual ethics found in The Inferno. All major characters in Buffy, except for Dawn due to her young age, have extra-marital sexual relationships. In The Inferno, such relationships were condemned. Extra-marital sex was the reason why characters were punished in the second circle of hell. In Buffy and in 21st century America, though, sex is a healthy part of any long-term romantic relationship.
In addition, long-term gay relationships are depicted positively in Buffy, while in the Inferno such relationships are condemned. In The Inferno, the seventh circle of hell housed gays, classified as violent against nature. There, Dante meets Ser Brunetto Latino, an idol of his. For his crime of gay sex, he roams the circle of burning sand with others as flames rained down upon them (Alighieri, 1982).
Buffy, on the other hand, had a relatively upbeat depiction of gay relationships. In the fourth season, the supporting character Willow, a woman, met and fell in love with the character Tara, another woman. They continued to have a long-term romantic relationship with each other until Tara’s death. Nine months later, Willow became involved with Kennedy, another reoccurring female character. Also there were multiple reoccurring male characters that were depicted as gay (Whedon, 2003).
Beyond the differences of the role of women in society and sexual ethics, The Inferno and Buffy demonstrate another key difference between their cultures of origin. The Inferno is part of an epic poem while Buffy is a long running television series. This showcases the different storytelling mediums used in the two cultures. In Western culture, the chief avenue for storytelling has changed from poems and literature to television and film.
Even with all their differences, The Inferno unmistakably influenced Buffy. The television show used the superficial elements of the poem such as demons and prophecy to highlight the different moral approaches. In the poem, demons punished sinners, while prophecies which predicted events tied the poem to the real world (Alighieri, 1982). In the show, demons hunt victims who live in the real world, while prophecy is used mostly to foreshadow story points (Whedon, 2003).
By connecting Buffy the Vampire Slayer with The Inferno, producer Joss Whedon highlighted the different moral approaches. In The Inferno, one goes to heaven by using reason and accepting divine grace (Alighieri, 1982). In Buffy, one goes to heaven by simply being a good person. After dying at the end of season five, and coming back to life at the beginning of season six, Buffy Summers believed that she was in Heaven. Yet, when asked by a vampire whether or not God exists in the season seven episode “Conversations with Dead People,” she states that no one really knows (Whedon, 2003). In Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when a person enters Heaven, God is not involved. This is a direct rejection of the moral theory found in The Inferno.
The different themes of The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer reveal key differences between the Western culture 14th century Florence and the Western culture of 21st century America. Hell is no longer perceived as a place for punishment for sinners, it is now considered to be a place of general evil. Women no longer function in relation to men, now they are equal to men. Sexual ethics has changed drastically. Formerly only married sexual relationships were praised, now all long-term romantic relationships are sexual ones. Also, the main medium of storytelling has changed from epic poems to long running television series. All these elements may tie into the different moral approaches illustrated in The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In The Inferno, the means needed for a good life are reason and divine grace. In Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the key to a good life is good works. God is optional.
Notice how I didn’t devolve my paper with a detour of sexual deviation? Yeah, I was just fucking with you in the intro. Kinda makes you pissed, doesn’t it? But you gotta admit that the last line was killer.
24 January 2008
FAQ
What’s a FAQ? A F.A.Q. is a series of Frequently Asked Questions. I supply the answers after each question so that this is both informative and accessible. Below I will list the most frequently asked questions that you (the readers) give me and my responses.
Can I ask rhetorical questions? I don’t know, can you?
You just answered a question with another question. Isn’t that a little cheap? Well it worked for Socrates and Jesus.
State-sanctioned execution also worked for Socrates and Jesus. Whoa now, there’s no need to be hostile. Why don’t we put down the knives and sort things out. Moving on…
Umm Justin, where are we? What did we do last night? To your first question, we are at an old friend of mine’s place. Don’t worry; they are at work, so we have a few hours to get composed. To your second question, you obviously ingested large quantities of alcohol and other illicit substances. And then we played Axis & Allies.
That’s all? Yes. And then we screwed.
Oh.
Can I have your baby? I wish you could, but it kept making these really annoying noises and it left messes everywhere. So I returned it for store credit. Sorry.
How did you get so devilishly charming and witty? I get that all the time! I think I get the devilishly charming part from my grand-pappy, Beelzebub. As for my wit, after the major studios ran out of all the money they made by broadcasting every episode of every show online, I bought Tina Fey from NBC. I keep her in my basement. For every joke she makes, I give her five minutes of “outside time.”
Really, Satan’s your grandpa? I was expecting you to go with the usual “son of Satan” routine. I was too, but then Tina Fey stepped in for the save. She used to be really uncooperative, always starting fights and shanking her neighbors. But now she’s gotten into the weight room in a big way. It’s been a total turnaround.
What are the five types of glia cells and their functions? Well, the star-shaped astrocytes help synchronize the activity of the axons and enable them to send messages in waves. The miniscule microglia function as if they were part of the immune system, since they remove waste material, viruses, fungi, and other microorganisms. Both oligodendrocytes of the central nervous system and schwann cells of the peripheral nervous system build the myelin sheaths that insulate axons. And the radial glia, a subgroup of astrocytes, migrate neurons and help grow their axons and dendrites during embryonic development.
Can I ask rhetorical questions? I don’t know, can you?
You just answered a question with another question. Isn’t that a little cheap? Well it worked for Socrates and Jesus.
State-sanctioned execution also worked for Socrates and Jesus. Whoa now, there’s no need to be hostile. Why don’t we put down the knives and sort things out. Moving on…
Umm Justin, where are we? What did we do last night? To your first question, we are at an old friend of mine’s place. Don’t worry; they are at work, so we have a few hours to get composed. To your second question, you obviously ingested large quantities of alcohol and other illicit substances. And then we played Axis & Allies.
That’s all? Yes. And then we screwed.
Oh.
Can I have your baby? I wish you could, but it kept making these really annoying noises and it left messes everywhere. So I returned it for store credit. Sorry.
How did you get so devilishly charming and witty? I get that all the time! I think I get the devilishly charming part from my grand-pappy, Beelzebub. As for my wit, after the major studios ran out of all the money they made by broadcasting every episode of every show online, I bought Tina Fey from NBC. I keep her in my basement. For every joke she makes, I give her five minutes of “outside time.”
Really, Satan’s your grandpa? I was expecting you to go with the usual “son of Satan” routine. I was too, but then Tina Fey stepped in for the save. She used to be really uncooperative, always starting fights and shanking her neighbors. But now she’s gotten into the weight room in a big way. It’s been a total turnaround.
What are the five types of glia cells and their functions? Well, the star-shaped astrocytes help synchronize the activity of the axons and enable them to send messages in waves. The miniscule microglia function as if they were part of the immune system, since they remove waste material, viruses, fungi, and other microorganisms. Both oligodendrocytes of the central nervous system and schwann cells of the peripheral nervous system build the myelin sheaths that insulate axons. And the radial glia, a subgroup of astrocytes, migrate neurons and help grow their axons and dendrites during embryonic development.
15 December 2007
Rejected Parables
“I was at the kosher section of the market the other day and the prices were unbelievable. Really, what’s with all this Roman oppression? They’re all tax this and tax that. Who do they think they are, the British?
…
Wow, tough crowd tonight.
But seriously, haven’t they ever heard of taxation without representation? What? They haven’t? Oh in that case, just forget I mentioned it. Hey, have I told you guys the one where you’re all sheep?”
“Dude, I got completely wasted last night. What, I called you? Oh, what did I say? HAH HAH HAH! That’s freakin’ hilarious. So last night this chick I didn’t even know was like “I don’t deserve you, Lord. Let me wash your feet.” And I was like “Hells Yeah!” But when I woke up she was a total skank. Yeah. I know! Right!
Oh, crap, I’m in public. Got to go, talk to ya later dude.
Hey, did I tell you guys the one about the prodigal son?”
“Okay, so once upon a time there was a farmer. And the farmer planted seeds everywhere: on the good soil, on the bad soil, on the road, everywhere. And the plants grew up but were very needy so they followed the farmer around everywhere he went. And they kept asking the farmer to heal them, feed them, and practically clothe them even though they can do that all by themselves. And the farmer at first was considerate of their needs but now it’s really pissing him off. But when the farmer tells this to the plants they don’t get it and instead stare at him with their stupid sheep eyes looking for some more handouts. But the farmer’s fucking tired of it okay? I’m going on four hours of sleep right now and you want some more miracles? Give me break! ‘Boo-hoo, I’m paralyzed, I’m blind, I’m dead.’ You know what, I’m tired and I can do much better job at the miraculous when I’m rested up. So I’m going back to bed. Anyone who even thinks about waking me up will eat firebolts. And I know what you’re thinking even when I sleep. Yeah, I’m that badass.”
…
Wow, tough crowd tonight.
But seriously, haven’t they ever heard of taxation without representation? What? They haven’t? Oh in that case, just forget I mentioned it. Hey, have I told you guys the one where you’re all sheep?”
“Dude, I got completely wasted last night. What, I called you? Oh, what did I say? HAH HAH HAH! That’s freakin’ hilarious. So last night this chick I didn’t even know was like “I don’t deserve you, Lord. Let me wash your feet.” And I was like “Hells Yeah!” But when I woke up she was a total skank. Yeah. I know! Right!
Oh, crap, I’m in public. Got to go, talk to ya later dude.
Hey, did I tell you guys the one about the prodigal son?”
“Okay, so once upon a time there was a farmer. And the farmer planted seeds everywhere: on the good soil, on the bad soil, on the road, everywhere. And the plants grew up but were very needy so they followed the farmer around everywhere he went. And they kept asking the farmer to heal them, feed them, and practically clothe them even though they can do that all by themselves. And the farmer at first was considerate of their needs but now it’s really pissing him off. But when the farmer tells this to the plants they don’t get it and instead stare at him with their stupid sheep eyes looking for some more handouts. But the farmer’s fucking tired of it okay? I’m going on four hours of sleep right now and you want some more miracles? Give me break! ‘Boo-hoo, I’m paralyzed, I’m blind, I’m dead.’ You know what, I’m tired and I can do much better job at the miraculous when I’m rested up. So I’m going back to bed. Anyone who even thinks about waking me up will eat firebolts. And I know what you’re thinking even when I sleep. Yeah, I’m that badass.”
13 December 2007
WTF
The house just passed a bill in order to protect Christmas. Despite the fact that the celebration of Christmas is entrenched within our culture and will not be going away anytime soon (Even the Japanese celebrate the 25th), the bill has indirectly declared that Christianity is now the state-sponsored religion. I’m including a link to the bill as well as a copy and paste version of the transcript if you don’t want to move your finger.
Link:
http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/D?c110:2:./temp/~c110YklWdC::
Copy and Paste Version:
Recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith. Whereas Christmas, a holiday of great significance to Americans and many other cultures and nationalities, is celebrated annually by Christians throughout the United States and the world; Whereas there are approximately 225,000,000 Christians in the United States, making Christianity the religion of over three-fourths of the American population;
Whereas there are approximately 2,000,000,000 Christians throughout the world, making Christianity the largest religion in the world and the religion of about one-third of the world population; Whereas Christians identify themselves as those who believe in the salvation from sin offered to them through the sacrifice of their savior, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and who, out of gratitude for the gift of salvation, commit themselves to living their lives in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Bible; Whereas Christians and Christianity have contributed greatly to the development of western civilization; Whereas the United States, being founded as a constitutional republic in the traditions of western civilization, finds much in its history that points observers back to its roots in Christianity; Whereas on December 25 of each calendar year, American Christians observe Christmas, the holiday celebrating the birth of their savior, Jesus Christ; Whereas for Christians, Christmas is celebrated as a recognition of God's redemption, mercy, and Grace; and Whereas many Christians and non-Christians throughout the United States and the rest of the world, celebrate Christmas as a time to serve others: Now, therefore be it Resolved, That the House of Representatives-- (1) recognizes the Christian faith as one of the great religions of the world; (2) expresses continued support for Christians in the United States and worldwide; (3) acknowledges the international religious and historical importance of Christmas and the Christian faith; (4) acknowledges and supports the role played by Christians and Christianity in the founding of the United States and in the formation of the western civilization; (5) rejects bigotry and persecution directed against Christians, both in the United States and worldwide; and (6) expresses its deepest respect to American Christians and Christians throughout the world.
End Copy and Paste
Why is Christmas being supported and not Hanukah?
Why does Christianity, the religion of “over three-fourths of the American population” needs the government to reject “bigotry and persecution directed against Christians.”
Why did only 9 congressmen vote nay?
Why did all Republicans vote yea, yet as a Republic we have an obligation to look out for the little guy?
Why do "American Christians and Christians throughout the world" have the deepest respect from Congress, but American Muslims, Buddhists, Wiccans, Jews, Atheists, and Agnostics do not?
Why does my grammer check find more mistakes than the congressional aides?
Link:
http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/D?c110:2:./temp/~c110YklWdC::
Copy and Paste Version:
Recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith. Whereas Christmas, a holiday of great significance to Americans and many other cultures and nationalities, is celebrated annually by Christians throughout the United States and the world; Whereas there are approximately 225,000,000 Christians in the United States, making Christianity the religion of over three-fourths of the American population;
Whereas there are approximately 2,000,000,000 Christians throughout the world, making Christianity the largest religion in the world and the religion of about one-third of the world population; Whereas Christians identify themselves as those who believe in the salvation from sin offered to them through the sacrifice of their savior, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and who, out of gratitude for the gift of salvation, commit themselves to living their lives in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Bible; Whereas Christians and Christianity have contributed greatly to the development of western civilization; Whereas the United States, being founded as a constitutional republic in the traditions of western civilization, finds much in its history that points observers back to its roots in Christianity; Whereas on December 25 of each calendar year, American Christians observe Christmas, the holiday celebrating the birth of their savior, Jesus Christ; Whereas for Christians, Christmas is celebrated as a recognition of God's redemption, mercy, and Grace; and Whereas many Christians and non-Christians throughout the United States and the rest of the world, celebrate Christmas as a time to serve others: Now, therefore be it Resolved, That the House of Representatives-- (1) recognizes the Christian faith as one of the great religions of the world; (2) expresses continued support for Christians in the United States and worldwide; (3) acknowledges the international religious and historical importance of Christmas and the Christian faith; (4) acknowledges and supports the role played by Christians and Christianity in the founding of the United States and in the formation of the western civilization; (5) rejects bigotry and persecution directed against Christians, both in the United States and worldwide; and (6) expresses its deepest respect to American Christians and Christians throughout the world.
End Copy and Paste
Why is Christmas being supported and not Hanukah?
Why does Christianity, the religion of “over three-fourths of the American population” needs the government to reject “bigotry and persecution directed against Christians.”
Why did only 9 congressmen vote nay?
Why did all Republicans vote yea, yet as a Republic we have an obligation to look out for the little guy?
Why do "American Christians and Christians throughout the world" have the deepest respect from Congress, but American Muslims, Buddhists, Wiccans, Jews, Atheists, and Agnostics do not?
Why does my grammer check find more mistakes than the congressional aides?
Unsolicited Sex Advice from Neighborhood Senior Citizen Women: Part 2
“I know my kinks would scare any sane person. But if I continue with my boyfriend’s vanilla tendencies then I’ll have to cheat! How can I possibly scratch my itch and still stay committed?”
1. Esther, who owns six bibles: Don’t worry about being subtle. You already know he’s attracted to you, so make sure he knows what turns you on. And don’t forget the power of Christian music! If you play “I get on my knees” when you two go into the bedroom, then he’ll know what to do.
FYI: Don’t use “Washed by the Blood of the Lamb.” Let me tell you from experience, lamb’s blood is plain unsanitary. There’s a difference between dirty sexy and just dirty.
2. Lila, who owns six cats: If he isn’t fulfilling your needs, then why do you want to stay with him? If he doesn’t love you for whom you are, then move on to the next one. Or buy a cat!
3. Mona, who owns six men: Introduce your kink gradually into a sexy conversation, while making sure to ask your partner what he would like to do to spice up your sex life as well. If you turn the conversation into foreplay, then you have just associated your kink with sex in your partner’s mind. And after you’ve opened that door, make sure to incorporate your kink gradually. If he lets you do it with your bat mask, it won’t be long before you wear the matching outfits you just spent 200 dollars on. By the way, you shouldn’t leave your receipts on the counter when company comes over.
11 December 2007
Unsolicited Sex Advice from Neighborhood Senior Citizen Women: Part 1
It happens. You’re on your cell, talking over your current sexual woes privately to a more experienced confidant and the Bush administration. When you turn the corner though, you find the old woman knitting a sweater with a grin on her face larger than the time your parents sent the “Number 1 Grandma” shirt. To your horror, granny doesn’t take your hints when you ask if her hearing aid was off. Instead, she pictures herself as a regular Sue Johanson and begins to impart advice about how to deal with your current significant other…
“Every time I mention having a threesome, my girlfriend looks disgusted and won’t even discuss it. How can I get her to see my side?”
1. Esther, the deacon’s wife: Oh, honey, have you tried referencing Genesis in conversations? If it was good enough for Abraham then it’s good enough for my little sweetie. Also, ask your girlfriend if she really wants to live biblical lifestyle. That always worked for me.
2. Lila, the cat lady: If she isn’t fulfilling your needs, then why are you dating her? If she doesn’t love you for whom you are, then move on to the next one. Or buy a cat!
3. Mona, former professional divorcee: First, bring it into conversations as hypothetical. “If one would have a threesome, then there should not be any kissing on the mouth. Don’t you agree?” By bouncing ideas around, you will set up the ground rules for the two of you. If that doesn’t work (and even if it does work), stress that no one could replace the love you have for her. The other person that you both decide on is an accessory, not a partner. Plus, you get to bang the other chick without consequences.
08 December 2007
End of the Semester Observations
I. I go to a commuter (read: cheap) school that was no one’s first choice. Everyone’s aware of this fact which leads to an interesting phenomenon:
A. People wear the hoodies of school they wished they were at, not of the school they attend.
1. Again, I go to a commuter (read: cheap) school. Everyone is working either full-time or 34.916667 hours of part-time work to pay our way through. Our parents don’t have trust funds or bank accounts per se that fund our educational endeavors.
i. And yes, my last employer prohibited me from working the last five minutes a week so they wouldn’t have to pay for dental.
ii. No, I am not bitter.
iii. I intentionally use double negatives.
2. However, I pass by at least ten Purdue sweatshirts by the time I arrive fifteen minutes late to my first class.
i. The first Purdue I saw, I slyly stated “Nice shirt” and used it as a window for flirtation.
ii. Turns out we had a lot in common. We were both transfer students working the 34.16667 hours a week on top of 15 credit hours of school that combined form into a monstrous devil that slays social lives.
iii. But now, the shirts are just irritating.
iv. I try to ignore the logos, but there is nothing quite as grating as the people around you not valuing what they do. We are students. We are learning. Be proud of the institution that is enabling you to grow into a better person and receive a salary you don’t deserve in four years.
B. Today was the last day of the semester prior to finals week.
1. In my 200 person Physics course I counted the dozens who enter the class that I didn’t recognize. I lost count as the Herd of Those Who Only Attend on Test Day entered.
i. It’s comforting to know that I could have established a relationship with all of them if we didn’t all work 34.916667 hours a week.
ii. No, I am not bitter.
2. In my 40 person Literature as Art course, the girl who sits next to me has her entire school paid for by financial aid because she got knocked up last year. I would be jealous but…
i. I pretty sure she’s not going to graduate
ii. And I have a feeling that her kid won’t, either.
3. I took my Humanities final today, because I am being taught by a grad student and he is the second coming of Buddha.
i. Reason why he is the second coming of Buddha #1: He let us write open ended research papers, which allowed us to relate the works to our lives.
ii. Reason why he is the second coming of Buddha #2: He let us write as much as we wanted, and determined the total worth of the paper by the page count which the students had complete creative control over.
iii. Consequently I wrote a mountain of moderately above average papers with ridiculously long page counts.
iv. Therefore, I only needed to get 16 points out of the 60 point final to get an A.
C. Life is good.
D. I probably should be paying attention to the lecture right now.
A. People wear the hoodies of school they wished they were at, not of the school they attend.
1. Again, I go to a commuter (read: cheap) school. Everyone is working either full-time or 34.916667 hours of part-time work to pay our way through. Our parents don’t have trust funds or bank accounts per se that fund our educational endeavors.
i. And yes, my last employer prohibited me from working the last five minutes a week so they wouldn’t have to pay for dental.
ii. No, I am not bitter.
iii. I intentionally use double negatives.
2. However, I pass by at least ten Purdue sweatshirts by the time I arrive fifteen minutes late to my first class.
i. The first Purdue I saw, I slyly stated “Nice shirt” and used it as a window for flirtation.
ii. Turns out we had a lot in common. We were both transfer students working the 34.16667 hours a week on top of 15 credit hours of school that combined form into a monstrous devil that slays social lives.
iii. But now, the shirts are just irritating.
iv. I try to ignore the logos, but there is nothing quite as grating as the people around you not valuing what they do. We are students. We are learning. Be proud of the institution that is enabling you to grow into a better person and receive a salary you don’t deserve in four years.
B. Today was the last day of the semester prior to finals week.
1. In my 200 person Physics course I counted the dozens who enter the class that I didn’t recognize. I lost count as the Herd of Those Who Only Attend on Test Day entered.
i. It’s comforting to know that I could have established a relationship with all of them if we didn’t all work 34.916667 hours a week.
ii. No, I am not bitter.
2. In my 40 person Literature as Art course, the girl who sits next to me has her entire school paid for by financial aid because she got knocked up last year. I would be jealous but…
i. I pretty sure she’s not going to graduate
ii. And I have a feeling that her kid won’t, either.
3. I took my Humanities final today, because I am being taught by a grad student and he is the second coming of Buddha.
i. Reason why he is the second coming of Buddha #1: He let us write open ended research papers, which allowed us to relate the works to our lives.
ii. Reason why he is the second coming of Buddha #2: He let us write as much as we wanted, and determined the total worth of the paper by the page count which the students had complete creative control over.
iii. Consequently I wrote a mountain of moderately above average papers with ridiculously long page counts.
iv. Therefore, I only needed to get 16 points out of the 60 point final to get an A.
C. Life is good.
D. I probably should be paying attention to the lecture right now.
01 December 2007
Drunk Dialer: God
God: Yo, Daug! What’s up! Haven’t talks to you for awhile!
Justin: Hey, you wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?
God: Completely!
Justin: Oh.
G: Do you really want to hurt meee! Do you really want to make me cryyy!
J: So how are you these days?
G: You don’t care!
J: True, I guess you really are omniscient.
G: Of course I am! I’m the big guy! I’m the G-man! Everyone prays to me. Wants me to solve all their problems. But what about G-man! Nobody cares! Who gives me respect? Where my tithes, bitches!
J: I’m going to use this opportunity to divulge information from you that wouldn’t normally disclose.
G: Awww, big words are so funny. Heeheehee. Like bunny. Like cats.
J: What is your greatest regret in life so far?
G: Not nailing Helen. Everyone’s like don’t do it G-man! Don’t do it! Wait for Mary! But she totally wasn’t worth it. She didn’t know anything in the bedroom and afterwards she all up in Joseph. Telling me I’m just her babydaddy. Bitch.
J: What one thing do you wish to change about the modern world?
G: Everyone’s all La-la-la-la-la I wish the problems would go away. G-man, feed the poor! Heal the sick! End war while we throw nuclear weapons at each other! And I’m like, where’s my tithes, bitches!
J: What is your greatest regret in life so far?
G: The Holocaust. At first, I was all, where’s my Jews at! I gotta get ‘em up here so we can PARTY! But then they all upset because they had’ve died!
J: What one thing do you wish to change about the modern world?
G: Like it was my fault! Don’t they know what kind of pressure I’m under? Everyone’s all want’s to fix our problems G-man! And I’m all like give me a break, sometimes G-man’s gotta PARTY! Oh no. BLURP.
J: Are you about to throw up?
G: No! BLAUGGRH! GLRUAAAHHKLELIP! BLAUGGRH!
J: That sounds painful.
G: WHERE”S MY FRICKIN’ NACHOS! HAH, HAH, HAH!
J: Very funny.
G: It’s funny cause that’s what you did! That one time!
J: I’m going to hang up now.
G: That’s what you did! That’s what you did!
J: Talk to you later, God.
G: Justin, Justin, JUSTIN! WAIT! Justin! WAIT!
J: …I’m still here.
G: I’m sorry man. I’m sorry for cockblocking you in high school.
J: I am too.
Justin: Hey, you wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?
God: Completely!
Justin: Oh.
G: Do you really want to hurt meee! Do you really want to make me cryyy!
J: So how are you these days?
G: You don’t care!
J: True, I guess you really are omniscient.
G: Of course I am! I’m the big guy! I’m the G-man! Everyone prays to me. Wants me to solve all their problems. But what about G-man! Nobody cares! Who gives me respect? Where my tithes, bitches!
J: I’m going to use this opportunity to divulge information from you that wouldn’t normally disclose.
G: Awww, big words are so funny. Heeheehee. Like bunny. Like cats.
J: What is your greatest regret in life so far?
G: Not nailing Helen. Everyone’s like don’t do it G-man! Don’t do it! Wait for Mary! But she totally wasn’t worth it. She didn’t know anything in the bedroom and afterwards she all up in Joseph. Telling me I’m just her babydaddy. Bitch.
J: What one thing do you wish to change about the modern world?
G: Everyone’s all La-la-la-la-la I wish the problems would go away. G-man, feed the poor! Heal the sick! End war while we throw nuclear weapons at each other! And I’m like, where’s my tithes, bitches!
J: What is your greatest regret in life so far?
G: The Holocaust. At first, I was all, where’s my Jews at! I gotta get ‘em up here so we can PARTY! But then they all upset because they had’ve died!
J: What one thing do you wish to change about the modern world?
G: Like it was my fault! Don’t they know what kind of pressure I’m under? Everyone’s all want’s to fix our problems G-man! And I’m all like give me a break, sometimes G-man’s gotta PARTY! Oh no. BLURP.
J: Are you about to throw up?
G: No! BLAUGGRH! GLRUAAAHHKLELIP! BLAUGGRH!
J: That sounds painful.
G: WHERE”S MY FRICKIN’ NACHOS! HAH, HAH, HAH!
J: Very funny.
G: It’s funny cause that’s what you did! That one time!
J: I’m going to hang up now.
G: That’s what you did! That’s what you did!
J: Talk to you later, God.
G: Justin, Justin, JUSTIN! WAIT! Justin! WAIT!
J: …I’m still here.
G: I’m sorry man. I’m sorry for cockblocking you in high school.
J: I am too.
30 November 2007
Two Weeks Notice - Part 3
Sunday September 16:
Today was the last Sunday I’ll ever have to work as a telemarketer. As you can probably guess, Sunday’s are the hardest days to get a sale. Sample Sunday conversation:
Me: I can give you free television.
Lead: I worship THE LORD on Sunday!
Me: I apologize. Have a good Sunday.
Lead: Go to HELL, MOTHERFUCKER!
I am not exaggerating. I especially enjoy the folks who tell me that they do not take calls on Sundays, because they evidently forgot that fact when they answered the phone.
It was another excruciatingly slow day. For some reason, every terminal was filled. Usually, there is only a hundred or so working on Sundays. Today however, two hundred people were crammed in; all yelling over each other so the leads can hear them. As a result of the two times the amount of employees, there were half as many calls for everyone. Consequently, boredom and downtime. But that did give me a chance to work on homework.
I wish I could elaborate on the subject, but I’ve got to go. I will write more later, preferably on the last two sections so that this has some sense of symmetry.
Monday September 17:
I don’t remember Monday. Sorry.
Wednesday September 19:
First, before I enlighten you about my Wednesday, I need to get some exposition out of the way. In the previous weeks, I have had just enough free time to barely cover my day-to-day assignments. Since my schedule has been overscheduled and overfilled, this Tuesday evening was the only time I had to start and finish an eight page paper. So at 3 A.M., I finally make it into the land of sleepdom. Five hours later, I turn in the paper.
At 8:50 AM, I promptly leave the lecture hall, travel to the library, go up to the top floor where all the comfortable chairs live, and pass out. After approximately half an hour of bliss, one of the University’s Public Relation Specialists (read: Tour Guides) arrives with 50 thunderous high-schoolers. In the middle of her speal about the new, multi- million dollar facility filled with wonderful arrays of knowledge, I wake up, crankily say a few choice words, roll over, and fall back asleep all before I realize that I am in a public place. Of course five seconds after this I become lucid. I look around and see that while I was unconscious, seven others thought I had a good idea. The eight of us had been lying equidistantly in comatose states when the Tour Guide arrived. “Yes kids, enroll in the school of the homeless.”
At noon, I took the physics test, drove home, slept some more, and then drove to work. I suppose I should have more memories from work, since 6.5 of the 8 total hours I was awake today took place there. Oh well. I’m a student, not a worker, anyway.
Friday September 21:
Back when I started the first entry in this journal, I had the ending all figured out. Flashbacks would explain my supervisor’s reaction when I told her I needed to quit. Then, I would intercut anecdotes of my last night with details of my first few days at this job. It would have been a minor masterpiece since my first night and my last strangely paralleled each other. It would have allowed me to compare the apprehensive beginner with the assured expert I had become. However, the details don’t seem that important anymore. And honestly, most of that first night has faded from my memory. I walked through the employee exit for the last time tonight. I don’t need to go back.
Also, tonight I talked to a Romanian immigrant. After I separated his last name into its syllabic components, he responded by saying, “Yes. It is I, Markovotsky,” with the same inflection and cadence as Bela Lugosi. Luckily, he hung on me before I blurted out that I missed Count VonCount. It is rare that you ever find someone that passionate, especially about addition.
Today was the last Sunday I’ll ever have to work as a telemarketer. As you can probably guess, Sunday’s are the hardest days to get a sale. Sample Sunday conversation:
Me: I can give you free television.
Lead: I worship THE LORD on Sunday!
Me: I apologize. Have a good Sunday.
Lead: Go to HELL, MOTHERFUCKER!
I am not exaggerating. I especially enjoy the folks who tell me that they do not take calls on Sundays, because they evidently forgot that fact when they answered the phone.
It was another excruciatingly slow day. For some reason, every terminal was filled. Usually, there is only a hundred or so working on Sundays. Today however, two hundred people were crammed in; all yelling over each other so the leads can hear them. As a result of the two times the amount of employees, there were half as many calls for everyone. Consequently, boredom and downtime. But that did give me a chance to work on homework.
I wish I could elaborate on the subject, but I’ve got to go. I will write more later, preferably on the last two sections so that this has some sense of symmetry.
Monday September 17:
I don’t remember Monday. Sorry.
Wednesday September 19:
First, before I enlighten you about my Wednesday, I need to get some exposition out of the way. In the previous weeks, I have had just enough free time to barely cover my day-to-day assignments. Since my schedule has been overscheduled and overfilled, this Tuesday evening was the only time I had to start and finish an eight page paper. So at 3 A.M., I finally make it into the land of sleepdom. Five hours later, I turn in the paper.
At 8:50 AM, I promptly leave the lecture hall, travel to the library, go up to the top floor where all the comfortable chairs live, and pass out. After approximately half an hour of bliss, one of the University’s Public Relation Specialists (read: Tour Guides) arrives with 50 thunderous high-schoolers. In the middle of her speal about the new, multi- million dollar facility filled with wonderful arrays of knowledge, I wake up, crankily say a few choice words, roll over, and fall back asleep all before I realize that I am in a public place. Of course five seconds after this I become lucid. I look around and see that while I was unconscious, seven others thought I had a good idea. The eight of us had been lying equidistantly in comatose states when the Tour Guide arrived. “Yes kids, enroll in the school of the homeless.”
At noon, I took the physics test, drove home, slept some more, and then drove to work. I suppose I should have more memories from work, since 6.5 of the 8 total hours I was awake today took place there. Oh well. I’m a student, not a worker, anyway.
Friday September 21:
Back when I started the first entry in this journal, I had the ending all figured out. Flashbacks would explain my supervisor’s reaction when I told her I needed to quit. Then, I would intercut anecdotes of my last night with details of my first few days at this job. It would have been a minor masterpiece since my first night and my last strangely paralleled each other. It would have allowed me to compare the apprehensive beginner with the assured expert I had become. However, the details don’t seem that important anymore. And honestly, most of that first night has faded from my memory. I walked through the employee exit for the last time tonight. I don’t need to go back.
Also, tonight I talked to a Romanian immigrant. After I separated his last name into its syllabic components, he responded by saying, “Yes. It is I, Markovotsky,” with the same inflection and cadence as Bela Lugosi. Luckily, he hung on me before I blurted out that I missed Count VonCount. It is rare that you ever find someone that passionate, especially about addition.
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