Introductory Paragraphs of Papers Juxtaposed With What I Was Really Thinking

The worldviews of ancient peoples survive today through the texts Epic of Gilgamesh and Genesis (What the hell do I know about Genesis and Gilgamesh? Time to bullshit!). The texts share similar themes; however, their perspectives on life differ drastically, and in many points oppose each other (Crap, all I wrote down in my notes Genesis=Happy, Gilgamesh=Sad). Because of certain differences, the worldview portrayed in The Epic of Gilgamesh is more appropriate in the modern age (If my response is different from the rest of the class, maybe he won’t know that I am bullshitting. Go team me!).


Modern students are able to learn the philosophy of Socrates through the works of his student Plato (But I don’t care). One such work is Plato’s The Apology, which describes Socrates’ courtroom defense against the accusations that Socrates corrupted the youth of Athens and committed blasphemy (I still don’t care). In The Apology, Socrates was found guilty of the accusations and sentenced to death (Sucks to be him). Despite the fact that Socrates did not fully prove his innocence, his philosophy is still useful and appropriate for modern students (I’m so stealing this one from Wikipedia).


The Satyricon was written by Petronius in the mid first century (What? There was a paper due last week? What the hell? Why didn’t anyone remind me?). A passage within The Satyricon, “The Banquet of Trimalchio,” features a fictional formal dinner during that time period (Oh right, I didn’t go to class). Moreover, the story describes the effects of freeing slaves in Roman society, which was at that point a recent social change (Believe me, I was doing something of the utmost important. I was fighting my addiction. That’s right I’m addicted. To laziness). By evaluating “The Banquet of Trimalchio,” one can easily perceive the negative attitude Petronius had towards the freed slaves (Hey, could I borrow your notes?).


In the early 14th century, Dante Alighieri wrote The Inferno, which details a journey through Hell by a fictionalized version of the author (So what’s this prompt about?). In the late 20th and early 21st century, Joss Whedon produced the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which followed the adventures of the fictional character Buffy Summers (I can compare this poem to any post-modern depiction of hell that I choose? Really?). In the series finale “Chosen,” Buffy Summers enters Hell with other women in order to fight the forces of evil (It’s really that open-ended?). Due to the corresponding settings, one is able to easily recognize the many thematic differences of the two works (Awesome). By examining the thematic differences between The Inferno and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, one can evaluate the many differences between 14th century Florentine culture and 21st century American culture; such as the different perceived natures of Hell, the different roles of women in society, the different views on sexual ethics, the different mediums of storytelling, as well as the different moral approaches (I’m going to milk this one for seven pages. Then I’m going to put it on my blog. Twice.)

FAQ

What’s a FAQ? A F.A.Q. is a series of Frequently Asked Questions. I supply the answers after each question so that this is both informative and accessible. Below I will list the most frequently asked questions that you (the readers) give me and my responses.

Can I ask rhetorical questions? I don’t know, can you?

You just answered a question with another question. Isn’t that a little cheap? Well it worked for Socrates and Jesus.

State-sanctioned execution also worked for Socrates and Jesus. Whoa now, there’s no need to be hostile. Why don’t we put down the knives and sort things out. Moving on…

Umm Justin, where are we? What did we do last night? To your first question, we are at an old friend of mine’s place. Don’t worry; they are at work, so we have a few hours to get composed. To your second question, you obviously ingested large quantities of alcohol and other illicit substances. And then we played Axis & Allies.

That’s all? Yes. And then we screwed.

Oh.

Can I have your baby? I wish you could, but it kept making these really annoying noises and it left messes everywhere. So I returned it for store credit. Sorry.

How did you get so devilishly charming and witty? I get that all the time! I think I get the devilishly charming part from my grand-pappy, Beelzebub. As for my wit, after the major studios ran out of all the money they made by broadcasting every episode of every show online, I bought Tina Fey from NBC. I keep her in my basement. For every joke she makes, I give her five minutes of “outside time.”

Really, Satan’s your grandpa? I was expecting you to go with the usual “son of Satan” routine. I was too, but then Tina Fey stepped in for the save. She used to be really uncooperative, always starting fights and shanking her neighbors. But now she’s gotten into the weight room in a big way. It’s been a total turnaround.

What are the five types of glia cells and their functions? Well, the star-shaped astrocytes help synchronize the activity of the axons and enable them to send messages in waves. The miniscule microglia function as if they were part of the immune system, since they remove waste material, viruses, fungi, and other microorganisms. Both oligodendrocytes of the central nervous system and schwann cells of the peripheral nervous system build the myelin sheaths that insulate axons. And the radial glia, a subgroup of astrocytes, migrate neurons and help grow their axons and dendrites during embryonic development.