Unsolicited Sex Advice from Neighborhood Senior Citizen Women: Part 1

It happens. You’re on your cell, talking over your current sexual woes privately to a more experienced confidant and the Bush administration. When you turn the corner though, you find the old woman knitting a sweater with a grin on her face larger than the time your parents sent the “Number 1 Grandma” shirt. To your horror, granny doesn’t take your hints when you ask if her hearing aid was off. Instead, she pictures herself as a regular Sue Johanson and begins to impart advice about how to deal with your current significant other…


“Every time I mention having a threesome, my girlfriend looks disgusted and won’t even discuss it. How can I get her to see my side?”


1. Esther, the deacon’s wife: Oh, honey, have you tried referencing Genesis in conversations? If it was good enough for Abraham then it’s good enough for my little sweetie. Also, ask your girlfriend if she really wants to live biblical lifestyle. That always worked for me.


2. Lila, the cat lady: If she isn’t fulfilling your needs, then why are you dating her? If she doesn’t love you for whom you are, then move on to the next one. Or buy a cat!


3. Mona, former professional divorcee: First, bring it into conversations as hypothetical. “If one would have a threesome, then there should not be any kissing on the mouth. Don’t you agree?” By bouncing ideas around, you will set up the ground rules for the two of you. If that doesn’t work (and even if it does work), stress that no one could replace the love you have for her. The other person that you both decide on is an accessory, not a partner. Plus, you get to bang the other chick without consequences.