Unsolicited Sex Advice from Neighborhood Senior Citizen Women: Part 2

“I know my kinks would scare any sane person. But if I continue with my boyfriend’s vanilla tendencies then I’ll have to cheat! How can I possibly scratch my itch and still stay committed?”



1. Esther, who owns six bibles: Don’t worry about being subtle. You already know he’s attracted to you, so make sure he knows what turns you on. And don’t forget the power of Christian music! If you play “I get on my knees” when you two go into the bedroom, then he’ll know what to do.

FYI: Don’t use “Washed by the Blood of the Lamb.” Let me tell you from experience, lamb’s blood is plain unsanitary. There’s a difference between dirty sexy and just dirty.



2. Lila, who owns six cats: If he isn’t fulfilling your needs, then why do you want to stay with him? If he doesn’t love you for whom you are, then move on to the next one. Or buy a cat!



3. Mona, who owns six men: Introduce your kink gradually into a sexy conversation, while making sure to ask your partner what he would like to do to spice up your sex life as well. If you turn the conversation into foreplay, then you have just associated your kink with sex in your partner’s mind. And after you’ve opened that door, make sure to incorporate your kink gradually. If he lets you do it with your bat mask, it won’t be long before you wear the matching outfits you just spent 200 dollars on. By the way, you shouldn’t leave your receipts on the counter when company comes over.