Drunk Dialer: God

God: Yo, Daug! What’s up! Haven’t talks to you for awhile!

Justin: Hey, you wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?

God: Completely!

Justin: Oh.

G: Do you really want to hurt meee! Do you really want to make me cryyy!

J: So how are you these days?

G: You don’t care!

J: True, I guess you really are omniscient.

G: Of course I am! I’m the big guy! I’m the G-man! Everyone prays to me. Wants me to solve all their problems. But what about G-man! Nobody cares! Who gives me respect? Where my tithes, bitches!

J: I’m going to use this opportunity to divulge information from you that wouldn’t normally disclose.

G: Awww, big words are so funny. Heeheehee. Like bunny. Like cats.

J: What is your greatest regret in life so far?

G: Not nailing Helen. Everyone’s like don’t do it G-man! Don’t do it! Wait for Mary! But she totally wasn’t worth it. She didn’t know anything in the bedroom and afterwards she all up in Joseph. Telling me I’m just her babydaddy. Bitch.

J: What one thing do you wish to change about the modern world?

G: Everyone’s all La-la-la-la-la I wish the problems would go away. G-man, feed the poor! Heal the sick! End war while we throw nuclear weapons at each other! And I’m like, where’s my tithes, bitches!

J: What is your greatest regret in life so far?

G: The Holocaust. At first, I was all, where’s my Jews at! I gotta get ‘em up here so we can PARTY! But then they all upset because they had’ve died!

J: What one thing do you wish to change about the modern world?

G: Like it was my fault! Don’t they know what kind of pressure I’m under? Everyone’s all want’s to fix our problems G-man! And I’m all like give me a break, sometimes G-man’s gotta PARTY! Oh no. BLURP.

J: Are you about to throw up?

G: No! BLAUGGRH! GLRUAAAHHKLELIP! BLAUGGRH!

J: That sounds painful.

G: WHERE”S MY FRICKIN’ NACHOS! HAH, HAH, HAH!

J: Very funny.

G: It’s funny cause that’s what you did! That one time!

J: I’m going to hang up now.

G: That’s what you did! That’s what you did!

J: Talk to you later, God.

G: Justin, Justin, JUSTIN! WAIT! Justin! WAIT!

J: …I’m still here.

G: I’m sorry man. I’m sorry for cockblocking you in high school.

J: I am too.