Evolution of the Romance/Exploitation Film Genre

The Sheik (1921)
Rudolph Rapistino is an Arab Gang Leader of Arabia, the “land where civilization has so happily passed them by.” Girl Who Is Asking For It pretends to be a hooker, primarily for kicks and giggles. Rudolph Rapistino uses the old “rape a girl so she will fall in love with you” trick. Later, Girl Who Is Asking For It inadvertently reveals her love for Rudolph Rapistino in the most melodramatic-silent-era way before she is captured by rapists who she can not love because they are Arabic. Rudolph Rapistino saves the day. Rapistino and Asking For It live happily ever after, because Rapistino was in fact obviously white and was just raised by the Arabs, in the vein of Mowgli being raised by Bagheera and Baloo in Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book.


The Wild One (1954)
Motorcycling Douchebags trash a small town. Marlon Douchebag wants to sleep with Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped. As the night progresses, the Motorcycling Douchebags act more and more like aging gays in a leather bar. Marlon Douchebag cannot sleep with Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped, because she speaks English instead of Jive and treats the elderly with respect instead of killing them. An Old Man dies. The Douchebags leave, but not before Marlon Douchebag leaves behind a stolen trinket in order for Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped can be reassured that she made the right choice in not being raped.


Knocked Up (2007)
Apotow’s Pothead Friends go to the amusement park, despite the fact that they have no income and that shit don’t come cheap. Katherine Bad Luck gets promoted, and unfortunately this leads to a confluence of events which ruins her life. 1) Katherine Bad Luck is happy. 2) Katherine Bad Luck gets drunk. 3) Katherine Bad Luck ends up sleeping with Seth Pothead. 4) Katherine Bad Luck gets Knocked Up. Seth Pothead makes Jew jokes. The audience feels sorry for Katherine, and really wants her to abort it. Plot demands prevent her from doing so. Women have boobies. Potheads have pot. Apotow’s wife has constipation. Katherine Bad Luck has the baby, and sorta kinda tries to raise the baby with Seth Pothead. Much like statistically similar couples from all regions of the United States, they inevitably divorce two to three years later when the novelty of producing a financial parasite loses its luster. The audience learns that they really liked Juno.

Notes From My 8AM Chem Class!

Pure substance - matter that cannot be separated into other kinds if matter by any physical process. Element – substance that cannot be broken down by any chemical reaction into simpler substances. Atom – every five minutes of my class, a part of my soul dies. Why am I punishing myself? Please someone, anyone, just kill me now. Just kill me now. No one’s killed me yet. Damn it.

…

Significant figures 1. All non-zero digits 2. all zeros between non- zero digits 3. ending zeros to right of decimal and non-zero digits 4. zeros at the beginning are NOT significant 5. ending zeros in number without decimal may or may not be significant 6. Oh my god, this never ends. Is it time to leave yet? Oh, it is still the first ten minutes of class. Damn it. That girl just left. Is it time to leave yet? Oh, she is just taking a call. That’s pretty rude. I should pretend to take a call and just leave. Oh, I’ve got an emergency call, I must take my backpack to answer it, I’ll say. This is very important, my mother’s dieing, I’ll say. She needs my backpack, I’ll say. Yes my mother was dieing last time, I do have more than one mother and they are all dieing, I’ll say. That’s right, and my last mother died while I was tying to leave Chem class thanks for fucking bringing it up, I’ll say. You should be sorry, I’ll say.

No, wait, better idea: I’ll have someone call me so I don’t have to make a beeping noise of pretend I’m being vibrated. Pretending to being vibrated is pretty funny, lol.

Wait, did I just laugh out loud?

Did anyone notice me? I should try to inconspicuously look around.

Okay, here I go.

…

I am positive that there is no way to inconspicuously look around a blank lecture hall. I guess I can pretend that I am really, really interested in the bland walls. It is statistically more probable to be interested in bland walls than to be interested in chemistry. Okay, here I go.

…

Oh my god, It looks like they are watching home videos from Auschwitz. I couldn’t have laughed, because all positive emotions are nullified be the abyss that is 8:00 AM Chem 101 in Forum Hall 103. I think looking at their faces made my day worse. Seriously, I feel awful. Like I’m vomiting poop. Like someone kicked my puppy, and by kicked I mean skewered and by puppy I mean my penis. I probably should be taking actual notes.

…

1in = 2.54 cm. 1 lb = 453.6 g. 1 cm3 = Why am I punishing myself? Please someone, anyone, just kill me now. Just kill me now. No one’s killed me yet. Damn it.

LOST

The reason for my existence is back. Lost premiered last thursday after making the fans wait for eight months. Was it worth the wait? Completely.

People ask me why I would like the show, since it primarily exists to turn the audience's expressions into the one Desmond is wearing up there.

This episode focused on Hurley, one of my favorites since his romance with Libby during the second season. Libby was pretty. Libby was into psychology. Libby was into fat men.

To reiterate: Libby was perfect.

But then she was used as a plot device, which makes me scream out loud every time I see the relevant episode. But I digress.

What you need to know: Lost is awesome. You should be watching it. It is allright if you don't get everything, because it is a MYSTERY show. Be mystified and enjoy the experience.

So this thursday night stop everything you are doing to watch the show. It doesn't matter if you are at work, studying, taking care of babies, driving, etc. Stop what you are doing and watch the show.

It's worth it.

The Guaranteed Internet Guide* to How to Not Go to Jail for Murder!

Step 1. Don’t kill people.
Step 2. Repeat














*Guaranteed to be 100% Internet!

Are You A Reality TV Show Contestant?

Have you ever wondered if you are Reality Television material? Find out now with this simple, multiple-choice questionnaire!

1. You are in close quarters with seven strangers for a few weeks, do you…
A. Try to respect their personal space.
B. Insult the others behind their backs, but in front of the cameras.
C. Spread Syphilis!

2. You use the phrase…
A. “Have a nice day!”
B. “Why do I have to work?”
C. “I don’t mean to be a bitch, but…”

3. In your daily life, you try to…
A. Foster humanity in yourself and in others.
B. Keep it “real.”
C. Exemplify a stereotype.

4. You and seven others are in an uncomfortably warm room, do you…
A. Turn on the air-conditioner.
B. Undress.
C. Lick yourself.

5. You just woke up an hour late. Your first thought is…
A. “Crap! I forgot to set the alarm!”
B. “Crap! I forgot to exploit myself!”
C. “Crap! I forgot to hide the bodies!”

For every answer A, give yourself zero (0) points. For every answer B, give yourself five (5) points. For every answer C, give yourself ten (10) points. Add your points together and you have your score!

Your Score: Your Title:

0-10 Normal Person. You are firmly grounded in reality and have an excellent grasp of current social mores. Good Job!

15-35 Reality TV Show Contestant. You belong in front of cameras, so the rest of us can enjoy our shaddenfruede. Good Job!

40-50 Psychotic. Please wear a sign that reads, “Do Not Touch. Crazy/Insane,” so that we may have a fair warning. Good Job!

The Top Five Ways to Get on the Six O'clock News

5. Host a charity bake sale.

4. Run for office on the Green Party ticket.

3. Streak at a local ballgame.

2. Murder someone. Then confess.

1. Murder someone at a charity bake sale. Later while streaking at a local ballgame, confess the crime and announce your campaign for office on the Green Party ticket simultaneously.