Showing posts with label alcohol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alcohol. Show all posts
01 April 2008
I'm back sorta
Sorry about the whole not posting thing, lurker. I have this life things that gets in the way of stuff. Don't judge me.
24 January 2008
FAQ
What’s a FAQ? A F.A.Q. is a series of Frequently Asked Questions. I supply the answers after each question so that this is both informative and accessible. Below I will list the most frequently asked questions that you (the readers) give me and my responses.
Can I ask rhetorical questions? I don’t know, can you?
You just answered a question with another question. Isn’t that a little cheap? Well it worked for Socrates and Jesus.
State-sanctioned execution also worked for Socrates and Jesus. Whoa now, there’s no need to be hostile. Why don’t we put down the knives and sort things out. Moving on…
Umm Justin, where are we? What did we do last night? To your first question, we are at an old friend of mine’s place. Don’t worry; they are at work, so we have a few hours to get composed. To your second question, you obviously ingested large quantities of alcohol and other illicit substances. And then we played Axis & Allies.
That’s all? Yes. And then we screwed.
Oh.
Can I have your baby? I wish you could, but it kept making these really annoying noises and it left messes everywhere. So I returned it for store credit. Sorry.
How did you get so devilishly charming and witty? I get that all the time! I think I get the devilishly charming part from my grand-pappy, Beelzebub. As for my wit, after the major studios ran out of all the money they made by broadcasting every episode of every show online, I bought Tina Fey from NBC. I keep her in my basement. For every joke she makes, I give her five minutes of “outside time.”
Really, Satan’s your grandpa? I was expecting you to go with the usual “son of Satan” routine. I was too, but then Tina Fey stepped in for the save. She used to be really uncooperative, always starting fights and shanking her neighbors. But now she’s gotten into the weight room in a big way. It’s been a total turnaround.
What are the five types of glia cells and their functions? Well, the star-shaped astrocytes help synchronize the activity of the axons and enable them to send messages in waves. The miniscule microglia function as if they were part of the immune system, since they remove waste material, viruses, fungi, and other microorganisms. Both oligodendrocytes of the central nervous system and schwann cells of the peripheral nervous system build the myelin sheaths that insulate axons. And the radial glia, a subgroup of astrocytes, migrate neurons and help grow their axons and dendrites during embryonic development.
Can I ask rhetorical questions? I don’t know, can you?
You just answered a question with another question. Isn’t that a little cheap? Well it worked for Socrates and Jesus.
State-sanctioned execution also worked for Socrates and Jesus. Whoa now, there’s no need to be hostile. Why don’t we put down the knives and sort things out. Moving on…
Umm Justin, where are we? What did we do last night? To your first question, we are at an old friend of mine’s place. Don’t worry; they are at work, so we have a few hours to get composed. To your second question, you obviously ingested large quantities of alcohol and other illicit substances. And then we played Axis & Allies.
That’s all? Yes. And then we screwed.
Oh.
Can I have your baby? I wish you could, but it kept making these really annoying noises and it left messes everywhere. So I returned it for store credit. Sorry.
How did you get so devilishly charming and witty? I get that all the time! I think I get the devilishly charming part from my grand-pappy, Beelzebub. As for my wit, after the major studios ran out of all the money they made by broadcasting every episode of every show online, I bought Tina Fey from NBC. I keep her in my basement. For every joke she makes, I give her five minutes of “outside time.”
Really, Satan’s your grandpa? I was expecting you to go with the usual “son of Satan” routine. I was too, but then Tina Fey stepped in for the save. She used to be really uncooperative, always starting fights and shanking her neighbors. But now she’s gotten into the weight room in a big way. It’s been a total turnaround.
What are the five types of glia cells and their functions? Well, the star-shaped astrocytes help synchronize the activity of the axons and enable them to send messages in waves. The miniscule microglia function as if they were part of the immune system, since they remove waste material, viruses, fungi, and other microorganisms. Both oligodendrocytes of the central nervous system and schwann cells of the peripheral nervous system build the myelin sheaths that insulate axons. And the radial glia, a subgroup of astrocytes, migrate neurons and help grow their axons and dendrites during embryonic development.
22 January 2008
Beginning of the Semester Observations
Ahh, stress, how I have missed thee.
Has it been almost a month since we last were together? I know we briefly got it own while I was visiting relatives. But otherwise I actually rested, read for leisure, and laughed over our break. And we were on a break so don’t look at me that way, I know you moved on to retail business owners, anyway. But now it’s just you and me baby. Say hello again to weekly all-nighters. Not the fun, I’m so drunk I can’t fall asleep and this other drunk keeps smooshing into me , kind of all-nighters but the ones filled with over preparation, anxiety, and thoughts of inadequacies.
I shouldn’t be jumping ahead of myself. It is 1 AM while I write this so I may actually fall asleep tonight. Maybe.
Yesterday was first day of my second semester at my second cheap commuter school. And that is way too many numbers to think about in my current mental state. I have three classes so far Nutrition (ugh), Chemistry (double ugh), and Learning Theory. Let’s take them apart in the order from least to most intimidating:
A) Nutrition is full of Ed majors. And something about their preference to associate with children and their inability to make any decisions without calling their significant, soon to be married to and visibly pregnant by, other (who is always their third fiancé, if you count the ones in high school) makes me want to bludgeon them to death their color-coordinated three-ring binders. But other than that, I should be fine.
B) Then there is Chem. I have one of those professors who, if there were a God, would not be paid. The professor started off the semester trying to make himself relatable by saying “he wasn’t the best student ever”, i.e. he failed every course because he was too busy honing his beer gut. Somehow, he has landed an adjunct position and has chosen to hold his captives to standards that he himself was unable to meet when he was in our position. His idea of homework is for us to do one hundred problems and then he will grade us on the two problems the least amount of people finished.
I tell myself a little mantra to get through the hour, “After this, my only Core Class will be ping pong. After this, my only General Ed will be ping pong.” It makes everything easier.
C) Last, and most worrying is Learning Theory (essentially a course in behaviorism (guys like Pavlov and Piaget)). This sounds fun and interesting and manageable, except that I do not have the three hundred dollars to spend on the textbooks. Oh well, time to start my next crappy job search.
That’s only half of my courses. The other three include Physiological Psych which I took to see if night classes are for me. I like having class when I am actually alert. But I don’t like spending three hours in the same damn room. It makes me want to go insane, which would be good practice for the other psych majors.
Penultimately is Orientation to a Psych Major, which I like because it’s mellow.
Lastly is Sexual Ethics, which I like because we talk about sex.
And that’s the rundown. I wish I could elaborate but I’ve got to study. And get a job. And cure cancer. And prevent the apocalypse. You know, the usual.
Has it been almost a month since we last were together? I know we briefly got it own while I was visiting relatives. But otherwise I actually rested, read for leisure, and laughed over our break. And we were on a break so don’t look at me that way, I know you moved on to retail business owners, anyway. But now it’s just you and me baby. Say hello again to weekly all-nighters. Not the fun, I’m so drunk I can’t fall asleep and this other drunk keeps smooshing into me , kind of all-nighters but the ones filled with over preparation, anxiety, and thoughts of inadequacies.
I shouldn’t be jumping ahead of myself. It is 1 AM while I write this so I may actually fall asleep tonight. Maybe.
Yesterday was first day of my second semester at my second cheap commuter school. And that is way too many numbers to think about in my current mental state. I have three classes so far Nutrition (ugh), Chemistry (double ugh), and Learning Theory. Let’s take them apart in the order from least to most intimidating:
A) Nutrition is full of Ed majors. And something about their preference to associate with children and their inability to make any decisions without calling their significant, soon to be married to and visibly pregnant by, other (who is always their third fiancé, if you count the ones in high school) makes me want to bludgeon them to death their color-coordinated three-ring binders. But other than that, I should be fine.
B) Then there is Chem. I have one of those professors who, if there were a God, would not be paid. The professor started off the semester trying to make himself relatable by saying “he wasn’t the best student ever”, i.e. he failed every course because he was too busy honing his beer gut. Somehow, he has landed an adjunct position and has chosen to hold his captives to standards that he himself was unable to meet when he was in our position. His idea of homework is for us to do one hundred problems and then he will grade us on the two problems the least amount of people finished.
I tell myself a little mantra to get through the hour, “After this, my only Core Class will be ping pong. After this, my only General Ed will be ping pong.” It makes everything easier.
C) Last, and most worrying is Learning Theory (essentially a course in behaviorism (guys like Pavlov and Piaget)). This sounds fun and interesting and manageable, except that I do not have the three hundred dollars to spend on the textbooks. Oh well, time to start my next crappy job search.
That’s only half of my courses. The other three include Physiological Psych which I took to see if night classes are for me. I like having class when I am actually alert. But I don’t like spending three hours in the same damn room. It makes me want to go insane, which would be good practice for the other psych majors.
Penultimately is Orientation to a Psych Major, which I like because it’s mellow.
Lastly is Sexual Ethics, which I like because we talk about sex.
And that’s the rundown. I wish I could elaborate but I’ve got to study. And get a job. And cure cancer. And prevent the apocalypse. You know, the usual.
15 December 2007
Rejected Parables
“I was at the kosher section of the market the other day and the prices were unbelievable. Really, what’s with all this Roman oppression? They’re all tax this and tax that. Who do they think they are, the British?
…
Wow, tough crowd tonight.
But seriously, haven’t they ever heard of taxation without representation? What? They haven’t? Oh in that case, just forget I mentioned it. Hey, have I told you guys the one where you’re all sheep?”
“Dude, I got completely wasted last night. What, I called you? Oh, what did I say? HAH HAH HAH! That’s freakin’ hilarious. So last night this chick I didn’t even know was like “I don’t deserve you, Lord. Let me wash your feet.” And I was like “Hells Yeah!” But when I woke up she was a total skank. Yeah. I know! Right!
Oh, crap, I’m in public. Got to go, talk to ya later dude.
Hey, did I tell you guys the one about the prodigal son?”
“Okay, so once upon a time there was a farmer. And the farmer planted seeds everywhere: on the good soil, on the bad soil, on the road, everywhere. And the plants grew up but were very needy so they followed the farmer around everywhere he went. And they kept asking the farmer to heal them, feed them, and practically clothe them even though they can do that all by themselves. And the farmer at first was considerate of their needs but now it’s really pissing him off. But when the farmer tells this to the plants they don’t get it and instead stare at him with their stupid sheep eyes looking for some more handouts. But the farmer’s fucking tired of it okay? I’m going on four hours of sleep right now and you want some more miracles? Give me break! ‘Boo-hoo, I’m paralyzed, I’m blind, I’m dead.’ You know what, I’m tired and I can do much better job at the miraculous when I’m rested up. So I’m going back to bed. Anyone who even thinks about waking me up will eat firebolts. And I know what you’re thinking even when I sleep. Yeah, I’m that badass.”
…
Wow, tough crowd tonight.
But seriously, haven’t they ever heard of taxation without representation? What? They haven’t? Oh in that case, just forget I mentioned it. Hey, have I told you guys the one where you’re all sheep?”
“Dude, I got completely wasted last night. What, I called you? Oh, what did I say? HAH HAH HAH! That’s freakin’ hilarious. So last night this chick I didn’t even know was like “I don’t deserve you, Lord. Let me wash your feet.” And I was like “Hells Yeah!” But when I woke up she was a total skank. Yeah. I know! Right!
Oh, crap, I’m in public. Got to go, talk to ya later dude.
Hey, did I tell you guys the one about the prodigal son?”
“Okay, so once upon a time there was a farmer. And the farmer planted seeds everywhere: on the good soil, on the bad soil, on the road, everywhere. And the plants grew up but were very needy so they followed the farmer around everywhere he went. And they kept asking the farmer to heal them, feed them, and practically clothe them even though they can do that all by themselves. And the farmer at first was considerate of their needs but now it’s really pissing him off. But when the farmer tells this to the plants they don’t get it and instead stare at him with their stupid sheep eyes looking for some more handouts. But the farmer’s fucking tired of it okay? I’m going on four hours of sleep right now and you want some more miracles? Give me break! ‘Boo-hoo, I’m paralyzed, I’m blind, I’m dead.’ You know what, I’m tired and I can do much better job at the miraculous when I’m rested up. So I’m going back to bed. Anyone who even thinks about waking me up will eat firebolts. And I know what you’re thinking even when I sleep. Yeah, I’m that badass.”
07 December 2007
Drunk Dialer: Miss Piggy
Justin: Piggy! Piggy!
Miss Piggy: Yes, this is moi. To whom am I speaking?
Justin: Piggy! It’s me! Justin!
Miss Piggy: Oh, brother. You wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?
J: Yes!! How’d you guess?
MP: What other times do you call me?
J: Uhh… umm… When I want money?
MP: True. Is that why you called?
J: No! I called because I’m lonely!
MP: Look fellah, I don’t have time for this. I’m a busy pig.
J: Hey, Piggy! Remember the old times!
MP: Unfortunately.
J: Remember the times when I was lonely, and you were lonely, and we were drunk?
MP: Justin! I certainly do not!
J: Oh. Remember the times when I was lonely, and you were lonely, and you were drunk?
MP: I don’t deserve this kind of treatment! Hii-yaah!
J: Oww!! Did you just hit me over the phone?
MP: I’m that good, baby.
[Hangs up]
05 December 2007
CBS Cares... Sorta
Actual Slogan:
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from Aids.
Unused Slogans from the Brainstorming Session:
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, then you’re probably gay.
If you’re on drugs or haven taken a lot of alcohol, don’t dial your ex. They will only have rebound sex with you while they are on drugs.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from your HIV positive coke addict sex buddy.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, don’t give your designated driver a few hundred dollars for gas. Trust us; gas prices didn’t get as high as you did.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t fully protect yourself from crazy drugged-out transsexuals with machetes.
If you snort more than one line of cocaine, take a sick day from work. It will be our little secret.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from creepy, paternalistic, abstinence-only television professionals who don’t know how to live a little.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, we are better than you.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from Aids.
Unused Slogans from the Brainstorming Session:
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, then you’re probably gay.
If you’re on drugs or haven taken a lot of alcohol, don’t dial your ex. They will only have rebound sex with you while they are on drugs.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from your HIV positive coke addict sex buddy.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, don’t give your designated driver a few hundred dollars for gas. Trust us; gas prices didn’t get as high as you did.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t fully protect yourself from crazy drugged-out transsexuals with machetes.
If you snort more than one line of cocaine, take a sick day from work. It will be our little secret.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from creepy, paternalistic, abstinence-only television professionals who don’t know how to live a little.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, we are better than you.
04 December 2007
Drunk Dialer: Tyra Banks
Justin: Hello?
Tyra Banks: JUSTON! What’s up, buddy?
Justin: Hey, Tyra.
Tyra Banks: I was just talking to myself, “You know who we need to talk to? Justin,” That’s what we said. Justin’s a great talker. Justin’s a good friend.
J: He left you, didn’t he?
TB: No! I just wanted to talk to my friend!
J: Oh, well in that case, an interesting thing happened to me today. I was at the-
TB: HE LEFT ME! He! Left me! This is the worst day of my life! I said to him, “KISS MY FAT ASS!” Who does he think he is? Tyra Banks? ‘Cause only Tyra can break up with Tyra.
J: You wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?
TB: YES! I’m completely intalksicated! I’m drunk on Tyra! And Jack Daniels!
J: How are you holding up?
TB: I’m good. I’m a survivor, I’m gonna make it. You know people on the street mistake me for Beyonce? One time, I performed a sex show as Beyonce! When I was a child! It was the worst day of my life! I was abused as a child! Did you know that?
J: Yes, we’ve discussed it before. I think it’s very brave that-
TB: Yea-huh, I survive! A girl with this kind of bah-donka-donk don’t stay single for long!
J: That’s true. I-
TB: I’m glad we got to glamunicate! If I was white, I’d be Oprah!
J: It is always nice to talk to you too, Tyra. So are you feeling better?
TB: No! There’s a hole in my heartbreak and it hurts. And the hole gets wider and wider every time I think! That’s my problem. Thoughts.
J: So… do you want to have consolation sex?
TB: Err, I’ve got to go! CRRR! Bad cell phone reception! CRRR! That’s a funny sound to say! CRRR!
J: Tyra, I know what you are doing.
TB: No you don’t!
J: You are faking poor reception in order to avoid an awkward conversation.
TB: No I’m not! KISS MY FAT ASS! CRRR!
[Hangs up]
01 December 2007
Drunk Dialer: God
God: Yo, Daug! What’s up! Haven’t talks to you for awhile!
Justin: Hey, you wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?
God: Completely!
Justin: Oh.
G: Do you really want to hurt meee! Do you really want to make me cryyy!
J: So how are you these days?
G: You don’t care!
J: True, I guess you really are omniscient.
G: Of course I am! I’m the big guy! I’m the G-man! Everyone prays to me. Wants me to solve all their problems. But what about G-man! Nobody cares! Who gives me respect? Where my tithes, bitches!
J: I’m going to use this opportunity to divulge information from you that wouldn’t normally disclose.
G: Awww, big words are so funny. Heeheehee. Like bunny. Like cats.
J: What is your greatest regret in life so far?
G: Not nailing Helen. Everyone’s like don’t do it G-man! Don’t do it! Wait for Mary! But she totally wasn’t worth it. She didn’t know anything in the bedroom and afterwards she all up in Joseph. Telling me I’m just her babydaddy. Bitch.
J: What one thing do you wish to change about the modern world?
G: Everyone’s all La-la-la-la-la I wish the problems would go away. G-man, feed the poor! Heal the sick! End war while we throw nuclear weapons at each other! And I’m like, where’s my tithes, bitches!
J: What is your greatest regret in life so far?
G: The Holocaust. At first, I was all, where’s my Jews at! I gotta get ‘em up here so we can PARTY! But then they all upset because they had’ve died!
J: What one thing do you wish to change about the modern world?
G: Like it was my fault! Don’t they know what kind of pressure I’m under? Everyone’s all want’s to fix our problems G-man! And I’m all like give me a break, sometimes G-man’s gotta PARTY! Oh no. BLURP.
J: Are you about to throw up?
G: No! BLAUGGRH! GLRUAAAHHKLELIP! BLAUGGRH!
J: That sounds painful.
G: WHERE”S MY FRICKIN’ NACHOS! HAH, HAH, HAH!
J: Very funny.
G: It’s funny cause that’s what you did! That one time!
J: I’m going to hang up now.
G: That’s what you did! That’s what you did!
J: Talk to you later, God.
G: Justin, Justin, JUSTIN! WAIT! Justin! WAIT!
J: …I’m still here.
G: I’m sorry man. I’m sorry for cockblocking you in high school.
J: I am too.
Justin: Hey, you wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?
God: Completely!
Justin: Oh.
G: Do you really want to hurt meee! Do you really want to make me cryyy!
J: So how are you these days?
G: You don’t care!
J: True, I guess you really are omniscient.
G: Of course I am! I’m the big guy! I’m the G-man! Everyone prays to me. Wants me to solve all their problems. But what about G-man! Nobody cares! Who gives me respect? Where my tithes, bitches!
J: I’m going to use this opportunity to divulge information from you that wouldn’t normally disclose.
G: Awww, big words are so funny. Heeheehee. Like bunny. Like cats.
J: What is your greatest regret in life so far?
G: Not nailing Helen. Everyone’s like don’t do it G-man! Don’t do it! Wait for Mary! But she totally wasn’t worth it. She didn’t know anything in the bedroom and afterwards she all up in Joseph. Telling me I’m just her babydaddy. Bitch.
J: What one thing do you wish to change about the modern world?
G: Everyone’s all La-la-la-la-la I wish the problems would go away. G-man, feed the poor! Heal the sick! End war while we throw nuclear weapons at each other! And I’m like, where’s my tithes, bitches!
J: What is your greatest regret in life so far?
G: The Holocaust. At first, I was all, where’s my Jews at! I gotta get ‘em up here so we can PARTY! But then they all upset because they had’ve died!
J: What one thing do you wish to change about the modern world?
G: Like it was my fault! Don’t they know what kind of pressure I’m under? Everyone’s all want’s to fix our problems G-man! And I’m all like give me a break, sometimes G-man’s gotta PARTY! Oh no. BLURP.
J: Are you about to throw up?
G: No! BLAUGGRH! GLRUAAAHHKLELIP! BLAUGGRH!
J: That sounds painful.
G: WHERE”S MY FRICKIN’ NACHOS! HAH, HAH, HAH!
J: Very funny.
G: It’s funny cause that’s what you did! That one time!
J: I’m going to hang up now.
G: That’s what you did! That’s what you did!
J: Talk to you later, God.
G: Justin, Justin, JUSTIN! WAIT! Justin! WAIT!
J: …I’m still here.
G: I’m sorry man. I’m sorry for cockblocking you in high school.
J: I am too.
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