Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts

05 May 2008

Evolution of the Romance/Exploitation Film Genre

The Sheik (1921)
Rudolph Rapistino is an Arab Gang Leader of Arabia, the “land where civilization has so happily passed them by.” Girl Who Is Asking For It pretends to be a hooker, primarily for kicks and giggles. Rudolph Rapistino uses the old “rape a girl so she will fall in love with you” trick. Later, Girl Who Is Asking For It inadvertently reveals her love for Rudolph Rapistino in the most melodramatic-silent-era way before she is captured by rapists who she can not love because they are Arabic. Rudolph Rapistino saves the day. Rapistino and Asking For It live happily ever after, because Rapistino was in fact obviously white and was just raised by the Arabs, in the vein of Mowgli being raised by Bagheera and Baloo in Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book.


The Wild One (1954)
Motorcycling Douchebags trash a small town. Marlon Douchebag wants to sleep with Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped. As the night progresses, the Motorcycling Douchebags act more and more like aging gays in a leather bar. Marlon Douchebag cannot sleep with Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped, because she speaks English instead of Jive and treats the elderly with respect instead of killing them. An Old Man dies. The Douchebags leave, but not before Marlon Douchebag leaves behind a stolen trinket in order for Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped can be reassured that she made the right choice in not being raped.


Knocked Up (2007)
Apotow’s Pothead Friends go to the amusement park, despite the fact that they have no income and that shit don’t come cheap. Katherine Bad Luck gets promoted, and unfortunately this leads to a confluence of events which ruins her life. 1) Katherine Bad Luck is happy. 2) Katherine Bad Luck gets drunk. 3) Katherine Bad Luck ends up sleeping with Seth Pothead. 4) Katherine Bad Luck gets Knocked Up. Seth Pothead makes Jew jokes. The audience feels sorry for Katherine, and really wants her to abort it. Plot demands prevent her from doing so. Women have boobies. Potheads have pot. Apotow’s wife has constipation. Katherine Bad Luck has the baby, and sorta kinda tries to raise the baby with Seth Pothead. Much like statistically similar couples from all regions of the United States, they inevitably divorce two to three years later when the novelty of producing a financial parasite loses its luster. The audience learns that they really liked Juno.

30 January 2008

THE REAL Snow White

Snow White, a member of the royal family, must flee from her castle home due to a violent regime change. Isolated in the wilderness, she becomes insane and begins to sing to forest creatures. After a month of holding a bluebird hostage whilst shouting, “My precious, the tree will eats us! The tree hates us!” she stumbles upon a cottage inhabited by an inbred family of little people.

The family consists mainly of six lonely men in their sixties, several of which have degenerative, genetic disorders as well as psychological afflictions. One’s immune system never functions, resulting in perpetual sneezing. Another is narcoleptic. One suffers from generalized anxiety disorder in addition to several specific phobias, which prevent him from easily communicating to others. Another is schizophrenic, but the dopamine overactivity and encouraging hallucinations do not impede his ability to function with others; in fact he is in a continuously good mood. One, with a narcissistic personality disorder, forces the others to refer to him as their ringleader “Doc” despite the fact that he has no training in the medical field.

However, the most extreme case of genetic malady is the second generation inbred, “Dopey,” who never possessed the mental capacities to speak. He is also unable to follow even the simplest of instructions. His birth, forty years ago, resulted in the death of the clan female which terminated the family’s ability to procreate. The incident sparked clinical depression in another little man. The others labeled him with a dispiriting nickname which only furthers his depression.

For a few weeks Snow White and the seven little men coexist peacefully. White fulfills the traditional female role that she has been trained to do, such as cleaning and doing the dishes, while the seven little men hunt/gather food and devise stratagems. When White requests to leave, however, the little men inform her of their plan to use White as the clan female. White, realizing that any straightforward attempt to escape would result in her being overpowered, pretends to fall into a persistent vegetative state. The seven little men divide the day into three eight-hour shifts, therefore at least two men are always on guard in case White’s condition changes.

White desperately waits for her old boyfriend to rescue her…

05 January 2008

Excerpts from the New Hampshire Debates

Gibson: How would you handle nuclear proliferation, in regards to terrorist cells residing within Pakistan?

Obama: I believe that we should blow Pakistanis to hell.

Edwards: I second that, I believe that we should blow Pakistanis to hell.

Richardson: I think that first we should use diplomacy. There is a provision within the Pakistani constitution that would provide safety to everyone in the world. Also, we need to have real, actionable intelligence before starting any military campaign.

Clinton: I believe that we should get actionable intelligence, so we know who we are blowing to hell.



Gibson: Has the current surge in Iraq worked?

Clinton: I hate Bush. Within 60 days we will be out of Iraq.

Richardson: I think before I speak. I hate Bush. Within a year we will be out of Iraq in order to focus on helping Americans.

Obama: I hate Bush. I speak in generalities. We will get out of Iraq sometime.

Edwards: I hate bush. We will gradually get out of Iraq.



Gibson: How do you want the American people to perceive you?

Democrats: We can joke with each other like adorable care bears. Then we attack each other like verbally abusive bears .

All Republicans except Ron Paul: We attack each other.

Ron Paul: Are you as bored as I am with these self-appointed leaders talking over each other without saying anything relevant? I mean, they are not even discussing how economics is intrinsically involved with the issue of immigration. I am going to spin in my chair now. (Spins)

All Republicans except Ron Paul: Oh yeah! Well, we attack each other more!

15 December 2007

Rejected Parables

“I was at the kosher section of the market the other day and the prices were unbelievable. Really, what’s with all this Roman oppression? They’re all tax this and tax that. Who do they think they are, the British?



Wow, tough crowd tonight.

But seriously, haven’t they ever heard of taxation without representation? What? They haven’t? Oh in that case, just forget I mentioned it. Hey, have I told you guys the one where you’re all sheep?”



“Dude, I got completely wasted last night. What, I called you? Oh, what did I say? HAH HAH HAH! That’s freakin’ hilarious. So last night this chick I didn’t even know was like “I don’t deserve you, Lord. Let me wash your feet.” And I was like “Hells Yeah!” But when I woke up she was a total skank. Yeah. I know! Right!

Oh, crap, I’m in public. Got to go, talk to ya later dude.

Hey, did I tell you guys the one about the prodigal son?”



“Okay, so once upon a time there was a farmer. And the farmer planted seeds everywhere: on the good soil, on the bad soil, on the road, everywhere. And the plants grew up but were very needy so they followed the farmer around everywhere he went. And they kept asking the farmer to heal them, feed them, and practically clothe them even though they can do that all by themselves. And the farmer at first was considerate of their needs but now it’s really pissing him off. But when the farmer tells this to the plants they don’t get it and instead stare at him with their stupid sheep eyes looking for some more handouts. But the farmer’s fucking tired of it okay? I’m going on four hours of sleep right now and you want some more miracles? Give me break! ‘Boo-hoo, I’m paralyzed, I’m blind, I’m dead.’ You know what, I’m tired and I can do much better job at the miraculous when I’m rested up. So I’m going back to bed. Anyone who even thinks about waking me up will eat firebolts. And I know what you’re thinking even when I sleep. Yeah, I’m that badass.”



13 December 2007

WTF

The house just passed a bill in order to protect Christmas. Despite the fact that the celebration of Christmas is entrenched within our culture and will not be going away anytime soon (Even the Japanese celebrate the 25th), the bill has indirectly declared that Christianity is now the state-sponsored religion. I’m including a link to the bill as well as a copy and paste version of the transcript if you don’t want to move your finger.

Link:
http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/D?c110:2:./temp/~c110YklWdC::



Copy and Paste Version:

Recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith. Whereas Christmas, a holiday of great significance to Americans and many other cultures and nationalities, is celebrated annually by Christians throughout the United States and the world; Whereas there are approximately 225,000,000 Christians in the United States, making Christianity the religion of over three-fourths of the American population;
Whereas there are approximately 2,000,000,000 Christians throughout the world, making Christianity the largest religion in the world and the religion of about one-third of the world population; Whereas Christians identify themselves as those who believe in the salvation from sin offered to them through the sacrifice of their savior, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and who, out of gratitude for the gift of salvation, commit themselves to living their lives in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Bible; Whereas Christians and Christianity have contributed greatly to the development of western civilization; Whereas the United States, being founded as a constitutional republic in the traditions of western civilization, finds much in its history that points observers back to its roots in Christianity; Whereas on December 25 of each calendar year, American Christians observe Christmas, the holiday celebrating the birth of their savior, Jesus Christ; Whereas for Christians, Christmas is celebrated as a recognition of God's redemption, mercy, and Grace; and Whereas many Christians and non-Christians throughout the United States and the rest of the world, celebrate Christmas as a time to serve others: Now, therefore be it Resolved, That the House of Representatives-- (1) recognizes the Christian faith as one of the great religions of the world; (2) expresses continued support for Christians in the United States and worldwide; (3) acknowledges the international religious and historical importance of Christmas and the Christian faith; (4) acknowledges and supports the role played by Christians and Christianity in the founding of the United States and in the formation of the western civilization; (5) rejects bigotry and persecution directed against Christians, both in the United States and worldwide; and (6) expresses its deepest respect to American Christians and Christians throughout the world.


End Copy and Paste






Why is Christmas being supported and not Hanukah?

Why does Christianity, the religion of “over three-fourths of the American population” needs the government to reject “bigotry and persecution directed against Christians.”

Why did only 9 congressmen vote nay?

Why did all Republicans vote yea, yet as a Republic we have an obligation to look out for the little guy?

Why do "American Christians and Christians throughout the world" have the deepest respect from Congress, but American Muslims, Buddhists, Wiccans, Jews, Atheists, and Agnostics do not?

Why does my grammer check find more mistakes than the congressional aides?

07 December 2007

The Top Five Ways to Get on the Six O'clock News


5. Host a charity bake sale.

4. Run for office on the Green Party ticket.

3. Streak at a local ballgame.

2. Murder someone. Then confess.

1. Murder someone at a charity bake sale. Later while streaking at a local ballgame, confess the crime and announce your campaign for office on the Green Party ticket simultaneously.