Evolution of the Romance/Exploitation Film Genre

The Sheik (1921)
Rudolph Rapistino is an Arab Gang Leader of Arabia, the “land where civilization has so happily passed them by.” Girl Who Is Asking For It pretends to be a hooker, primarily for kicks and giggles. Rudolph Rapistino uses the old “rape a girl so she will fall in love with you” trick. Later, Girl Who Is Asking For It inadvertently reveals her love for Rudolph Rapistino in the most melodramatic-silent-era way before she is captured by rapists who she can not love because they are Arabic. Rudolph Rapistino saves the day. Rapistino and Asking For It live happily ever after, because Rapistino was in fact obviously white and was just raised by the Arabs, in the vein of Mowgli being raised by Bagheera and Baloo in Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book.


The Wild One (1954)
Motorcycling Douchebags trash a small town. Marlon Douchebag wants to sleep with Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped. As the night progresses, the Motorcycling Douchebags act more and more like aging gays in a leather bar. Marlon Douchebag cannot sleep with Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped, because she speaks English instead of Jive and treats the elderly with respect instead of killing them. An Old Man dies. The Douchebags leave, but not before Marlon Douchebag leaves behind a stolen trinket in order for Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped can be reassured that she made the right choice in not being raped.


Knocked Up (2007)
Apotow’s Pothead Friends go to the amusement park, despite the fact that they have no income and that shit don’t come cheap. Katherine Bad Luck gets promoted, and unfortunately this leads to a confluence of events which ruins her life. 1) Katherine Bad Luck is happy. 2) Katherine Bad Luck gets drunk. 3) Katherine Bad Luck ends up sleeping with Seth Pothead. 4) Katherine Bad Luck gets Knocked Up. Seth Pothead makes Jew jokes. The audience feels sorry for Katherine, and really wants her to abort it. Plot demands prevent her from doing so. Women have boobies. Potheads have pot. Apotow’s wife has constipation. Katherine Bad Luck has the baby, and sorta kinda tries to raise the baby with Seth Pothead. Much like statistically similar couples from all regions of the United States, they inevitably divorce two to three years later when the novelty of producing a financial parasite loses its luster. The audience learns that they really liked Juno.

Happy Normative Relationships Day!

So this is the only photo I have that is vaguely love-themed. Enjoy it. Also if you are not in a normative relationship, then please use this day to fight the system that defines a loving relationship through societal expectations and outdated gender roles. Translation: I give you permission to fuck random strangers (preferably more than one) and not call them back.

THE REAL Scooby-Doo

Upon graduating high school, a group of local burnouts engage in a road trip in one’s hippie van while experimenting with recreational drug use. One’s use of marijuana causes an overabundance of the munchies, but his high metabolism rate plus his increased forgetfulness prevents weight gain. After ingesting several “Scooby-Snacks” the teenagers hallucinate that their dog has the ability to speak.

The teenagers become a disturbance to the peace in Middle America when they have delusions of the local museum’s suit of armor abducting community leaders. The gang, determined to solve the mystery, break into the museum after business hours and terrorize the night staff. During a bad trip, one female appears to have the ability to sprint while carrying three others and the dog.

A member of the night staff calls the police, which exacerbates the situation for a few more hours. The gang only settles down after a local officer praises the teenagers for their bravery and pretends to take a man into custody. The elderly night staff admonishes “those meddling kids” as the gang returns to their vehicle.

The teenagers circle their hometown and the surrounding countryside in the hippie van, repetitively finding “monsters” and “mysteries” every time they take a hit of acid. The cycle continues until the gang hallucinates Don Knotts pathetically performing several roles in order to remain on broadcast television.

Shocked out of their bohemian lifestyle, the foursome settles down. Daphne marries Fred, markets their stories as a children’s television series, and they now live together with their two kids in the country club. Velma teaches gender studies at a regional university. Shaggy continues to tour the countryside with the dog.

Both experience flashbacks of their days as a part of Mystery Inc…