Drunk Dialer: Tyra Banks

Justin: Hello?

Tyra Banks: JUSTON! What’s up, buddy?

Justin: Hey, Tyra.

Tyra Banks: I was just talking to myself, “You know who we need to talk to? Justin,” That’s what we said. Justin’s a great talker. Justin’s a good friend.

J: He left you, didn’t he?

TB: No! I just wanted to talk to my friend!

J: Oh, well in that case, an interesting thing happened to me today. I was at the-

TB: HE LEFT ME! He! Left me! This is the worst day of my life! I said to him, “KISS MY FAT ASS!” Who does he think he is? Tyra Banks? ‘Cause only Tyra can break up with Tyra.

J: You wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?

TB: YES! I’m completely intalksicated! I’m drunk on Tyra! And Jack Daniels!

J: How are you holding up?

TB: I’m good. I’m a survivor, I’m gonna make it. You know people on the street mistake me for Beyonce? One time, I performed a sex show as Beyonce! When I was a child! It was the worst day of my life! I was abused as a child! Did you know that?

J: Yes, we’ve discussed it before. I think it’s very brave that-

TB: Yea-huh, I survive! A girl with this kind of bah-donka-donk don’t stay single for long!

J: That’s true. I-

TB: I’m glad we got to glamunicate! If I was white, I’d be Oprah!

J: It is always nice to talk to you too, Tyra. So are you feeling better?

TB: No! There’s a hole in my heartbreak and it hurts. And the hole gets wider and wider every time I think! That’s my problem. Thoughts.

J: So… do you want to have consolation sex?

TB: Err, I’ve got to go! CRRR! Bad cell phone reception! CRRR! That’s a funny sound to say! CRRR!

J: Tyra, I know what you are doing.

TB: No you don’t!

J: You are faking poor reception in order to avoid an awkward conversation.

TB: No I’m not! KISS MY FAT ASS! CRRR!
[Hangs up]