Evolution of the Romance/Exploitation Film Genre

The Sheik (1921)
Rudolph Rapistino is an Arab Gang Leader of Arabia, the “land where civilization has so happily passed them by.” Girl Who Is Asking For It pretends to be a hooker, primarily for kicks and giggles. Rudolph Rapistino uses the old “rape a girl so she will fall in love with you” trick. Later, Girl Who Is Asking For It inadvertently reveals her love for Rudolph Rapistino in the most melodramatic-silent-era way before she is captured by rapists who she can not love because they are Arabic. Rudolph Rapistino saves the day. Rapistino and Asking For It live happily ever after, because Rapistino was in fact obviously white and was just raised by the Arabs, in the vein of Mowgli being raised by Bagheera and Baloo in Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book.


The Wild One (1954)
Motorcycling Douchebags trash a small town. Marlon Douchebag wants to sleep with Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped. As the night progresses, the Motorcycling Douchebags act more and more like aging gays in a leather bar. Marlon Douchebag cannot sleep with Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped, because she speaks English instead of Jive and treats the elderly with respect instead of killing them. An Old Man dies. The Douchebags leave, but not before Marlon Douchebag leaves behind a stolen trinket in order for Girl Whose Only Crime Is Her Aversion Of Being Raped can be reassured that she made the right choice in not being raped.


Knocked Up (2007)
Apotow’s Pothead Friends go to the amusement park, despite the fact that they have no income and that shit don’t come cheap. Katherine Bad Luck gets promoted, and unfortunately this leads to a confluence of events which ruins her life. 1) Katherine Bad Luck is happy. 2) Katherine Bad Luck gets drunk. 3) Katherine Bad Luck ends up sleeping with Seth Pothead. 4) Katherine Bad Luck gets Knocked Up. Seth Pothead makes Jew jokes. The audience feels sorry for Katherine, and really wants her to abort it. Plot demands prevent her from doing so. Women have boobies. Potheads have pot. Apotow’s wife has constipation. Katherine Bad Luck has the baby, and sorta kinda tries to raise the baby with Seth Pothead. Much like statistically similar couples from all regions of the United States, they inevitably divorce two to three years later when the novelty of producing a financial parasite loses its luster. The audience learns that they really liked Juno.

Pandora and THE FLYING DUTCHMAN

Featured to the left is the title screen for one of the worst films ever. It is also a personal favorite of mine.

It is one of those 1950s melodramas where the general incoherance hasn't aged well. I'll be posting stills from my favorite moments. Enjoy.

THE REAL Snow White

Snow White, a member of the royal family, must flee from her castle home due to a violent regime change. Isolated in the wilderness, she becomes insane and begins to sing to forest creatures. After a month of holding a bluebird hostage whilst shouting, “My precious, the tree will eats us! The tree hates us!” she stumbles upon a cottage inhabited by an inbred family of little people.

The family consists mainly of six lonely men in their sixties, several of which have degenerative, genetic disorders as well as psychological afflictions. One’s immune system never functions, resulting in perpetual sneezing. Another is narcoleptic. One suffers from generalized anxiety disorder in addition to several specific phobias, which prevent him from easily communicating to others. Another is schizophrenic, but the dopamine overactivity and encouraging hallucinations do not impede his ability to function with others; in fact he is in a continuously good mood. One, with a narcissistic personality disorder, forces the others to refer to him as their ringleader “Doc” despite the fact that he has no training in the medical field.

However, the most extreme case of genetic malady is the second generation inbred, “Dopey,” who never possessed the mental capacities to speak. He is also unable to follow even the simplest of instructions. His birth, forty years ago, resulted in the death of the clan female which terminated the family’s ability to procreate. The incident sparked clinical depression in another little man. The others labeled him with a dispiriting nickname which only furthers his depression.

For a few weeks Snow White and the seven little men coexist peacefully. White fulfills the traditional female role that she has been trained to do, such as cleaning and doing the dishes, while the seven little men hunt/gather food and devise stratagems. When White requests to leave, however, the little men inform her of their plan to use White as the clan female. White, realizing that any straightforward attempt to escape would result in her being overpowered, pretends to fall into a persistent vegetative state. The seven little men divide the day into three eight-hour shifts, therefore at least two men are always on guard in case White’s condition changes.

White desperately waits for her old boyfriend to rescue her…

Detox Journal

With a five-day weekend for thanksgiving, I decided it would be an opportune time to get over my addiction to caffeine. I stopped being a binge drinking idiot earlier this year, so I figure getting over caffeine will be relatively painless. So from here on out it will be pure H2O, no coffee, soda, or tea. And this journal will mark my progress towards a better, shiny, stimulant-free life.


Day 1- It has been twenty-four hours since I last ingested a caffeinated beverage. I don’t feel that different… and that is a complete lie. I am perpetually tired and it takes three times as long to carry out any routine activity. However, I am worried most about my appearance to others.

Recently I recognized that if I go to class without my morning caffeine, two things will inevitably occur. First, I will not comprehend any bit of the lecture or any item said to me (such as “Good Morning, Justin”). Second, if I temporarily believe that I do comprehend, I am still unable to communicate back. Typically I add extra nouns and misplace verbs. For example, once a classmate said hello and I responded with, “Morning Lion caffeine am.” Despite the fact that this appears to be a recent condition, I have a feeling that this has gone on every morning for several years, because the lack of caffeine induces temporary amnesia.

While I was editing the last two paragraphs, I noticed one mistake for every sentence. That’s not too bad. I can live like this. And I’m just going to get better tomorrow!


Day 2- Ugh, today left great big hurtness. Life like morning ever. Tired, tired, everything. Why did I do this to me? No, everywhere. I’m afraid to read what is typing. Need my favorite stimulant. Life sucks without caffeine. I want to sleep. Need.

Moreover, Monty Python has suddenly become hilarious. God help me.


Day 3- When I woke up, my eyes looked like firetrucks, even though I have been getting at least twelve hours of sleep a night to compensate for the lack of caffeine. So I doused my eyes in visine and headed out to the world.

But when I went downstairs I found my brother and my sister-in-law knocking on my door. Apparently, they had called me a few minutes earlier and that is why I was awake. After they explained to me why they came over, I asked them why they came over.

Yes, you read that sentence correctly.

While my lips were forming the words, I knew that it was a mistake; however I did not have enough control over my body to close my mouth in time. My brother and sister-in-law looked at me with the expression of pity/amusement that people give to the mentally deficient. Then they jumped up and down with their starbucks and their energy and their smiles. Bastards. They then took something and left. I was afraid to ask what they were taking, since they explained it to me at least twice.

Also, my tongue, deprived of its favorite taste, has begun to hallucinate. Cereal, soup, bread, and beef all taste like coffee. Am I going insane? I think so.

For leaving me this holiday, my parents gave me some guilt cash. Intending to spread the money out for as long as possible, I decided to go to McDonald’s. For some reason, I drove myself to the one on Green River (30 minutes away) instead of the one on University Drive (only ten minutes away). Sitting in the parking lot, again wondering what the hell was going on, I decided to roll with it and eat wherever I was. But when I inspected my wallet, I found it to be empty. I had left all the cash on my kitchen counter. So I made an hour-long trip for no reason whatsoever.

Screw this. I can’t take it anymore. It’s time to put my coffee maker to work.

And thus ended my non-caffeinated life.