Drunk Dialer: Miss Piggy

Justin: Piggy! Piggy!

Miss Piggy: Yes, this is moi. To whom am I speaking?

Justin: Piggy! It’s me! Justin!

Miss Piggy: Oh, brother. You wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?

J: Yes!! How’d you guess?

MP: What other times do you call me?

J: Uhh… umm… When I want money?

MP: True. Is that why you called?

J: No! I called because I’m lonely!

MP: Look fellah, I don’t have time for this. I’m a busy pig.

J: Hey, Piggy! Remember the old times!

MP: Unfortunately.

J: Remember the times when I was lonely, and you were lonely, and we were drunk?

MP: Justin! I certainly do not!

J: Oh. Remember the times when I was lonely, and you were lonely, and you were drunk?

MP: I don’t deserve this kind of treatment! Hii-yaah!

J: Oww!! Did you just hit me over the phone?

MP: I’m that good, baby.
[Hangs up]

The Planning Committee for THE PRICE IS RIGHT

“Soon the proletariat will rise up against our regime.”

“This is true, does anyone have any ideas?”

“We can train Paris to divert their attention.”

“No. They’ll never fall for her parlor tricks.”

“Do you have a better idea?”

“…”

“I’ve got one! We can produce a television show where we hand out our products to the illiterate. It will quell the masses much like the lottery and broadcast sports. Plus, we can use the program for advertising.”

“That is a good start, but we should try to think outside the box. Right now we are on the edge of the box. Let’s take that idea and give it 105 percent.”

“How about we force the insignificants to guess at our arbitrary pricing? That way we trick the masses into valuing meaningless items while we laugh at their vapid, consumerist culture.”

“That is perversely malicious. Good job! I’ll call Barker.”

CBS Cares... Sorta

Actual Slogan:
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from Aids.


Unused Slogans from the Brainstorming Session:

If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, then you’re probably gay.
If you’re on drugs or haven taken a lot of alcohol, don’t dial your ex. They will only have rebound sex with you while they are on drugs.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from your HIV positive coke addict sex buddy.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, don’t give your designated driver a few hundred dollars for gas. Trust us; gas prices didn’t get as high as you did.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t fully protect yourself from crazy drugged-out transsexuals with machetes.
If you snort more than one line of cocaine, take a sick day from work. It will be our little secret.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, you can’t protect yourself from creepy, paternalistic, abstinence-only television professionals who don’t know how to live a little.
If you’re on drugs or have taken a lot of alcohol, we are better than you.

Drunk Dialer: Tyra Banks

Justin: Hello?

Tyra Banks: JUSTON! What’s up, buddy?

Justin: Hey, Tyra.

Tyra Banks: I was just talking to myself, “You know who we need to talk to? Justin,” That’s what we said. Justin’s a great talker. Justin’s a good friend.

J: He left you, didn’t he?

TB: No! I just wanted to talk to my friend!

J: Oh, well in that case, an interesting thing happened to me today. I was at the-

TB: HE LEFT ME! He! Left me! This is the worst day of my life! I said to him, “KISS MY FAT ASS!” Who does he think he is? Tyra Banks? ‘Cause only Tyra can break up with Tyra.

J: You wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?

TB: YES! I’m completely intalksicated! I’m drunk on Tyra! And Jack Daniels!

J: How are you holding up?

TB: I’m good. I’m a survivor, I’m gonna make it. You know people on the street mistake me for Beyonce? One time, I performed a sex show as Beyonce! When I was a child! It was the worst day of my life! I was abused as a child! Did you know that?

J: Yes, we’ve discussed it before. I think it’s very brave that-

TB: Yea-huh, I survive! A girl with this kind of bah-donka-donk don’t stay single for long!

J: That’s true. I-

TB: I’m glad we got to glamunicate! If I was white, I’d be Oprah!

J: It is always nice to talk to you too, Tyra. So are you feeling better?

TB: No! There’s a hole in my heartbreak and it hurts. And the hole gets wider and wider every time I think! That’s my problem. Thoughts.

J: So… do you want to have consolation sex?

TB: Err, I’ve got to go! CRRR! Bad cell phone reception! CRRR! That’s a funny sound to say! CRRR!

J: Tyra, I know what you are doing.

TB: No you don’t!

J: You are faking poor reception in order to avoid an awkward conversation.

TB: No I’m not! KISS MY FAT ASS! CRRR!
[Hangs up]

To the Jackass in the Front Row:

Hey. Hey! Stop talking. No, I don’t care. You need to hear this. So stop talking.

Before I met you I assumed that all jackasses were males. It seemed like a natural extension for stupid/insecure men to butt into conversations when they possessed no relevant information or viewpoints. But you are an exception to the rule. Before you, I had no idea a person with a vagina could also be a dick.

What? How can you be a jackass? I certainly understand your confusion; your vajayjay tricked me too. And we both know you are not the brightest crayon on the stupid train. Did you notice how I mixed metaphors? You didn’t? That’s because you’re not the brightest crayon on the stupid train!

At first, I believed you to be a regular, if less than average in grade point average, college student. I had formulated a schema in which you simply were an unfortunately open extravert. But then you told the class that you remember when gas prices were less than a dollar. Never mind that the professor who is TWICE YOUR AGE doesn’t remember such times. And after the professor called you out on this, did you balk? No. You decided to laugh unironically, bob your head, and tell the lecture hall that you are twenty-five, and therefore are older than anyone else in the room.

Now, common vernacular has a term for a man who once proven wrong, brings up that fact that they are defective and are therefore right. So when you proudly proclaim that it has taken you seven years to achieve a bachelor’s degree, there is only one word for your condition. My lady, you are a Jackass.

Also, I have begun to take bets on whether you log onto Myspace or Facebook when the lecture starts. Have you ever noticed how all those who recreationally use their laptops sit in the last two rows, so that two hundred people aren’t beaming down at their social site stalking/Youtube video watching/transvestite spanking porn addiction? Of course you haven’t, that’s why you sit front row center, as if your close proximity to the professor would guide the information into your brain. It doesn’t, as your failing grade clearly demonstrates. You do know that you eventually have to pay those student loans back, right?

Wait; did you even hear what I just said? This is important so you need to stop talking. No, I don’t care. You need to hear this. Stop talking. Hey. Hey!

New Title

Apparently the purposefully bland "Anonymous College Student Blog" is not working that well since no one reads this. I need a name that will entice people.

Possibilities:
1. Casual Sex
2. I am deep and quirky
3. I am deep and quirky and therefore we should have casual sex
4. I do this for the attention

Here's a nice game for the lurkers: Guess which one(s) is(are) ironic!

Drunk Dialer: God

God: Yo, Daug! What’s up! Haven’t talks to you for awhile!

Justin: Hey, you wouldn’t happen to be completely wasted, would you?

God: Completely!

Justin: Oh.

G: Do you really want to hurt meee! Do you really want to make me cryyy!

J: So how are you these days?

G: You don’t care!

J: True, I guess you really are omniscient.

G: Of course I am! I’m the big guy! I’m the G-man! Everyone prays to me. Wants me to solve all their problems. But what about G-man! Nobody cares! Who gives me respect? Where my tithes, bitches!

J: I’m going to use this opportunity to divulge information from you that wouldn’t normally disclose.

G: Awww, big words are so funny. Heeheehee. Like bunny. Like cats.

J: What is your greatest regret in life so far?

G: Not nailing Helen. Everyone’s like don’t do it G-man! Don’t do it! Wait for Mary! But she totally wasn’t worth it. She didn’t know anything in the bedroom and afterwards she all up in Joseph. Telling me I’m just her babydaddy. Bitch.

J: What one thing do you wish to change about the modern world?

G: Everyone’s all La-la-la-la-la I wish the problems would go away. G-man, feed the poor! Heal the sick! End war while we throw nuclear weapons at each other! And I’m like, where’s my tithes, bitches!

J: What is your greatest regret in life so far?

G: The Holocaust. At first, I was all, where’s my Jews at! I gotta get ‘em up here so we can PARTY! But then they all upset because they had’ve died!

J: What one thing do you wish to change about the modern world?

G: Like it was my fault! Don’t they know what kind of pressure I’m under? Everyone’s all want’s to fix our problems G-man! And I’m all like give me a break, sometimes G-man’s gotta PARTY! Oh no. BLURP.

J: Are you about to throw up?

G: No! BLAUGGRH! GLRUAAAHHKLELIP! BLAUGGRH!

J: That sounds painful.

G: WHERE”S MY FRICKIN’ NACHOS! HAH, HAH, HAH!

J: Very funny.

G: It’s funny cause that’s what you did! That one time!

J: I’m going to hang up now.

G: That’s what you did! That’s what you did!

J: Talk to you later, God.

G: Justin, Justin, JUSTIN! WAIT! Justin! WAIT!

J: …I’m still here.

G: I’m sorry man. I’m sorry for cockblocking you in high school.

J: I am too.