This is what I get for buying textbooks from random strangers on the internet. 30 January 2008
THE REAL Snow White
Snow White, a member of the royal family, must flee from her castle home due to a violent regime change. Isolated in the wilderness, she becomes insane and begins to sing to forest creatures. After a month of holding a bluebird hostage whilst shouting, “My precious, the tree will eats us! The tree hates us!” she stumbles upon a cottage inhabited by an inbred family of little people.
The family consists mainly of six lonely men in their sixties, several of which have degenerative, genetic disorders as well as psychological afflictions. One’s immune system never functions, resulting in perpetual sneezing. Another is narcoleptic. One suffers from generalized anxiety disorder in addition to several specific phobias, which prevent him from easily communicating to others. Another is schizophrenic, but the dopamine overactivity and encouraging hallucinations do not impede his ability to function with others; in fact he is in a continuously good mood. One, with a narcissistic personality disorder, forces the others to refer to him as their ringleader “Doc” despite the fact that he has no training in the medical field.
However, the most extreme case of genetic malady is the second generation inbred, “Dopey,” who never possessed the mental capacities to speak. He is also unable to follow even the simplest of instructions. His birth, forty years ago, resulted in the death of the clan female which terminated the family’s ability to procreate. The incident sparked clinical depression in another little man. The others labeled him with a dispiriting nickname which only furthers his depression.
For a few weeks Snow White and the seven little men coexist peacefully. White fulfills the traditional female role that she has been trained to do, such as cleaning and doing the dishes, while the seven little men hunt/gather food and devise stratagems. When White requests to leave, however, the little men inform her of their plan to use White as the clan female. White, realizing that any straightforward attempt to escape would result in her being overpowered, pretends to fall into a persistent vegetative state. The seven little men divide the day into three eight-hour shifts, therefore at least two men are always on guard in case White’s condition changes.
White desperately waits for her old boyfriend to rescue her…
The family consists mainly of six lonely men in their sixties, several of which have degenerative, genetic disorders as well as psychological afflictions. One’s immune system never functions, resulting in perpetual sneezing. Another is narcoleptic. One suffers from generalized anxiety disorder in addition to several specific phobias, which prevent him from easily communicating to others. Another is schizophrenic, but the dopamine overactivity and encouraging hallucinations do not impede his ability to function with others; in fact he is in a continuously good mood. One, with a narcissistic personality disorder, forces the others to refer to him as their ringleader “Doc” despite the fact that he has no training in the medical field.
However, the most extreme case of genetic malady is the second generation inbred, “Dopey,” who never possessed the mental capacities to speak. He is also unable to follow even the simplest of instructions. His birth, forty years ago, resulted in the death of the clan female which terminated the family’s ability to procreate. The incident sparked clinical depression in another little man. The others labeled him with a dispiriting nickname which only furthers his depression.
For a few weeks Snow White and the seven little men coexist peacefully. White fulfills the traditional female role that she has been trained to do, such as cleaning and doing the dishes, while the seven little men hunt/gather food and devise stratagems. When White requests to leave, however, the little men inform her of their plan to use White as the clan female. White, realizing that any straightforward attempt to escape would result in her being overpowered, pretends to fall into a persistent vegetative state. The seven little men divide the day into three eight-hour shifts, therefore at least two men are always on guard in case White’s condition changes.
White desperately waits for her old boyfriend to rescue her…
28 January 2008
Last night-
I had a dream about my long-dead grandfather. It wasn't sappy or unsettling. We didn't even talk to eachother that much. He kept on trying to take over the world with the help of his half dinosaur/half human hench-men.
24 January 2008
FAQ
What’s a FAQ? A F.A.Q. is a series of Frequently Asked Questions. I supply the answers after each question so that this is both informative and accessible. Below I will list the most frequently asked questions that you (the readers) give me and my responses.
Can I ask rhetorical questions? I don’t know, can you?
You just answered a question with another question. Isn’t that a little cheap? Well it worked for Socrates and Jesus.
State-sanctioned execution also worked for Socrates and Jesus. Whoa now, there’s no need to be hostile. Why don’t we put down the knives and sort things out. Moving on…
Umm Justin, where are we? What did we do last night? To your first question, we are at an old friend of mine’s place. Don’t worry; they are at work, so we have a few hours to get composed. To your second question, you obviously ingested large quantities of alcohol and other illicit substances. And then we played Axis & Allies.
That’s all? Yes. And then we screwed.
Oh.
Can I have your baby? I wish you could, but it kept making these really annoying noises and it left messes everywhere. So I returned it for store credit. Sorry.
How did you get so devilishly charming and witty? I get that all the time! I think I get the devilishly charming part from my grand-pappy, Beelzebub. As for my wit, after the major studios ran out of all the money they made by broadcasting every episode of every show online, I bought Tina Fey from NBC. I keep her in my basement. For every joke she makes, I give her five minutes of “outside time.”
Really, Satan’s your grandpa? I was expecting you to go with the usual “son of Satan” routine. I was too, but then Tina Fey stepped in for the save. She used to be really uncooperative, always starting fights and shanking her neighbors. But now she’s gotten into the weight room in a big way. It’s been a total turnaround.
What are the five types of glia cells and their functions? Well, the star-shaped astrocytes help synchronize the activity of the axons and enable them to send messages in waves. The miniscule microglia function as if they were part of the immune system, since they remove waste material, viruses, fungi, and other microorganisms. Both oligodendrocytes of the central nervous system and schwann cells of the peripheral nervous system build the myelin sheaths that insulate axons. And the radial glia, a subgroup of astrocytes, migrate neurons and help grow their axons and dendrites during embryonic development.
Can I ask rhetorical questions? I don’t know, can you?
You just answered a question with another question. Isn’t that a little cheap? Well it worked for Socrates and Jesus.
State-sanctioned execution also worked for Socrates and Jesus. Whoa now, there’s no need to be hostile. Why don’t we put down the knives and sort things out. Moving on…
Umm Justin, where are we? What did we do last night? To your first question, we are at an old friend of mine’s place. Don’t worry; they are at work, so we have a few hours to get composed. To your second question, you obviously ingested large quantities of alcohol and other illicit substances. And then we played Axis & Allies.
That’s all? Yes. And then we screwed.
Oh.
Can I have your baby? I wish you could, but it kept making these really annoying noises and it left messes everywhere. So I returned it for store credit. Sorry.
How did you get so devilishly charming and witty? I get that all the time! I think I get the devilishly charming part from my grand-pappy, Beelzebub. As for my wit, after the major studios ran out of all the money they made by broadcasting every episode of every show online, I bought Tina Fey from NBC. I keep her in my basement. For every joke she makes, I give her five minutes of “outside time.”
Really, Satan’s your grandpa? I was expecting you to go with the usual “son of Satan” routine. I was too, but then Tina Fey stepped in for the save. She used to be really uncooperative, always starting fights and shanking her neighbors. But now she’s gotten into the weight room in a big way. It’s been a total turnaround.
What are the five types of glia cells and their functions? Well, the star-shaped astrocytes help synchronize the activity of the axons and enable them to send messages in waves. The miniscule microglia function as if they were part of the immune system, since they remove waste material, viruses, fungi, and other microorganisms. Both oligodendrocytes of the central nervous system and schwann cells of the peripheral nervous system build the myelin sheaths that insulate axons. And the radial glia, a subgroup of astrocytes, migrate neurons and help grow their axons and dendrites during embryonic development.
22 January 2008
THE REAL Scooby-Doo
Upon graduating high school, a group of local burnouts engage in a road trip in one’s hippie van while experimenting with recreational drug use. One’s use of marijuana causes an overabundance of the munchies, but his high metabolism rate plus his increased forgetfulness prevents weight gain. After ingesting several “Scooby-Snacks” the teenagers hallucinate that their dog has the ability to speak.
The teenagers become a disturbance to the peace in Middle America when they have delusions of the local museum’s suit of armor abducting community leaders. The gang, determined to solve the mystery, break into the museum after business hours and terrorize the night staff. During a bad trip, one female appears to have the ability to sprint while carrying three others and the dog.
A member of the night staff calls the police, which exacerbates the situation for a few more hours. The gang only settles down after a local officer praises the teenagers for their bravery and pretends to take a man into custody. The elderly night staff admonishes “those meddling kids” as the gang returns to their vehicle.
The teenagers circle their hometown and the surrounding countryside in the hippie van, repetitively finding “monsters” and “mysteries” every time they take a hit of acid. The cycle continues until the gang hallucinates Don Knotts pathetically performing several roles in order to remain on broadcast television.
Shocked out of their bohemian lifestyle, the foursome settles down. Daphne marries Fred, markets their stories as a children’s television series, and they now live together with their two kids in the country club. Velma teaches gender studies at a regional university. Shaggy continues to tour the countryside with the dog.
Both experience flashbacks of their days as a part of Mystery Inc…
The teenagers become a disturbance to the peace in Middle America when they have delusions of the local museum’s suit of armor abducting community leaders. The gang, determined to solve the mystery, break into the museum after business hours and terrorize the night staff. During a bad trip, one female appears to have the ability to sprint while carrying three others and the dog.
A member of the night staff calls the police, which exacerbates the situation for a few more hours. The gang only settles down after a local officer praises the teenagers for their bravery and pretends to take a man into custody. The elderly night staff admonishes “those meddling kids” as the gang returns to their vehicle.
The teenagers circle their hometown and the surrounding countryside in the hippie van, repetitively finding “monsters” and “mysteries” every time they take a hit of acid. The cycle continues until the gang hallucinates Don Knotts pathetically performing several roles in order to remain on broadcast television.
Shocked out of their bohemian lifestyle, the foursome settles down. Daphne marries Fred, markets their stories as a children’s television series, and they now live together with their two kids in the country club. Velma teaches gender studies at a regional university. Shaggy continues to tour the countryside with the dog.
Both experience flashbacks of their days as a part of Mystery Inc…
Beginning of the Semester Observations
Ahh, stress, how I have missed thee.
Has it been almost a month since we last were together? I know we briefly got it own while I was visiting relatives. But otherwise I actually rested, read for leisure, and laughed over our break. And we were on a break so don’t look at me that way, I know you moved on to retail business owners, anyway. But now it’s just you and me baby. Say hello again to weekly all-nighters. Not the fun, I’m so drunk I can’t fall asleep and this other drunk keeps smooshing into me , kind of all-nighters but the ones filled with over preparation, anxiety, and thoughts of inadequacies.
I shouldn’t be jumping ahead of myself. It is 1 AM while I write this so I may actually fall asleep tonight. Maybe.
Yesterday was first day of my second semester at my second cheap commuter school. And that is way too many numbers to think about in my current mental state. I have three classes so far Nutrition (ugh), Chemistry (double ugh), and Learning Theory. Let’s take them apart in the order from least to most intimidating:
A) Nutrition is full of Ed majors. And something about their preference to associate with children and their inability to make any decisions without calling their significant, soon to be married to and visibly pregnant by, other (who is always their third fiancé, if you count the ones in high school) makes me want to bludgeon them to death their color-coordinated three-ring binders. But other than that, I should be fine.
B) Then there is Chem. I have one of those professors who, if there were a God, would not be paid. The professor started off the semester trying to make himself relatable by saying “he wasn’t the best student ever”, i.e. he failed every course because he was too busy honing his beer gut. Somehow, he has landed an adjunct position and has chosen to hold his captives to standards that he himself was unable to meet when he was in our position. His idea of homework is for us to do one hundred problems and then he will grade us on the two problems the least amount of people finished.
I tell myself a little mantra to get through the hour, “After this, my only Core Class will be ping pong. After this, my only General Ed will be ping pong.” It makes everything easier.
C) Last, and most worrying is Learning Theory (essentially a course in behaviorism (guys like Pavlov and Piaget)). This sounds fun and interesting and manageable, except that I do not have the three hundred dollars to spend on the textbooks. Oh well, time to start my next crappy job search.
That’s only half of my courses. The other three include Physiological Psych which I took to see if night classes are for me. I like having class when I am actually alert. But I don’t like spending three hours in the same damn room. It makes me want to go insane, which would be good practice for the other psych majors.
Penultimately is Orientation to a Psych Major, which I like because it’s mellow.
Lastly is Sexual Ethics, which I like because we talk about sex.
And that’s the rundown. I wish I could elaborate but I’ve got to study. And get a job. And cure cancer. And prevent the apocalypse. You know, the usual.
Has it been almost a month since we last were together? I know we briefly got it own while I was visiting relatives. But otherwise I actually rested, read for leisure, and laughed over our break. And we were on a break so don’t look at me that way, I know you moved on to retail business owners, anyway. But now it’s just you and me baby. Say hello again to weekly all-nighters. Not the fun, I’m so drunk I can’t fall asleep and this other drunk keeps smooshing into me , kind of all-nighters but the ones filled with over preparation, anxiety, and thoughts of inadequacies.
I shouldn’t be jumping ahead of myself. It is 1 AM while I write this so I may actually fall asleep tonight. Maybe.
Yesterday was first day of my second semester at my second cheap commuter school. And that is way too many numbers to think about in my current mental state. I have three classes so far Nutrition (ugh), Chemistry (double ugh), and Learning Theory. Let’s take them apart in the order from least to most intimidating:
A) Nutrition is full of Ed majors. And something about their preference to associate with children and their inability to make any decisions without calling their significant, soon to be married to and visibly pregnant by, other (who is always their third fiancé, if you count the ones in high school) makes me want to bludgeon them to death their color-coordinated three-ring binders. But other than that, I should be fine.
B) Then there is Chem. I have one of those professors who, if there were a God, would not be paid. The professor started off the semester trying to make himself relatable by saying “he wasn’t the best student ever”, i.e. he failed every course because he was too busy honing his beer gut. Somehow, he has landed an adjunct position and has chosen to hold his captives to standards that he himself was unable to meet when he was in our position. His idea of homework is for us to do one hundred problems and then he will grade us on the two problems the least amount of people finished.
I tell myself a little mantra to get through the hour, “After this, my only Core Class will be ping pong. After this, my only General Ed will be ping pong.” It makes everything easier.
C) Last, and most worrying is Learning Theory (essentially a course in behaviorism (guys like Pavlov and Piaget)). This sounds fun and interesting and manageable, except that I do not have the three hundred dollars to spend on the textbooks. Oh well, time to start my next crappy job search.
That’s only half of my courses. The other three include Physiological Psych which I took to see if night classes are for me. I like having class when I am actually alert. But I don’t like spending three hours in the same damn room. It makes me want to go insane, which would be good practice for the other psych majors.
Penultimately is Orientation to a Psych Major, which I like because it’s mellow.
Lastly is Sexual Ethics, which I like because we talk about sex.
And that’s the rundown. I wish I could elaborate but I’ve got to study. And get a job. And cure cancer. And prevent the apocalypse. You know, the usual.
13 January 2008
The Coffee Maker is Mad at me...
Because I used it to make tea. Seriously, it is gurgling sounds that sound exactly like "Fuck you, Justin. You have poor taste in music and are inadequate in the bedroom."
And this all because I choose to make tea instead coffee. But I do feel British. Tea is the reason why Brits have bad teeth. Tea is the reason why I have bad teeth.
I am really dissappointed that Anthony Stewart Head was only in Sweeney Todd for 2.5 seconds. You ask, "WTF? Why are being so random?" Because it dawned on me that no one reads this so I say whatever I want-
And this all because I choose to make tea instead coffee. But I do feel British. Tea is the reason why Brits have bad teeth. Tea is the reason why I have bad teeth.
I am really dissappointed that Anthony Stewart Head was only in Sweeney Todd for 2.5 seconds. You ask, "WTF? Why are being so random?" Because it dawned on me that no one reads this so I say whatever I want-
05 January 2008
Excerpts from the New Hampshire Debates
Gibson: How would you handle nuclear proliferation, in regards to terrorist cells residing within Pakistan?
Obama: I believe that we should blow Pakistanis to hell.
Edwards: I second that, I believe that we should blow Pakistanis to hell.
Richardson: I think that first we should use diplomacy. There is a provision within the Pakistani constitution that would provide safety to everyone in the world. Also, we need to have real, actionable intelligence before starting any military campaign.
Clinton: I believe that we should get actionable intelligence, so we know who we are blowing to hell.
Gibson: Has the current surge in Iraq worked?
Clinton: I hate Bush. Within 60 days we will be out of Iraq.
Richardson: I think before I speak. I hate Bush. Within a year we will be out of Iraq in order to focus on helping Americans.
Obama: I hate Bush. I speak in generalities. We will get out of Iraq sometime.
Edwards: I hate bush. We will gradually get out of Iraq.
Gibson: How do you want the American people to perceive you?
Democrats: We can joke with each other like adorable care bears. Then we attack each other like verbally abusive bears .
All Republicans except Ron Paul: We attack each other.
Ron Paul: Are you as bored as I am with these self-appointed leaders talking over each other without saying anything relevant? I mean, they are not even discussing how economics is intrinsically involved with the issue of immigration. I am going to spin in my chair now. (Spins)
All Republicans except Ron Paul: Oh yeah! Well, we attack each other more!
Obama: I believe that we should blow Pakistanis to hell.
Edwards: I second that, I believe that we should blow Pakistanis to hell.
Richardson: I think that first we should use diplomacy. There is a provision within the Pakistani constitution that would provide safety to everyone in the world. Also, we need to have real, actionable intelligence before starting any military campaign.
Clinton: I believe that we should get actionable intelligence, so we know who we are blowing to hell.
Gibson: Has the current surge in Iraq worked?
Clinton: I hate Bush. Within 60 days we will be out of Iraq.
Richardson: I think before I speak. I hate Bush. Within a year we will be out of Iraq in order to focus on helping Americans.
Obama: I hate Bush. I speak in generalities. We will get out of Iraq sometime.
Edwards: I hate bush. We will gradually get out of Iraq.
Gibson: How do you want the American people to perceive you?
Democrats: We can joke with each other like adorable care bears. Then we attack each other like verbally abusive bears .
All Republicans except Ron Paul: We attack each other.
Ron Paul: Are you as bored as I am with these self-appointed leaders talking over each other without saying anything relevant? I mean, they are not even discussing how economics is intrinsically involved with the issue of immigration. I am going to spin in my chair now. (Spins)
All Republicans except Ron Paul: Oh yeah! Well, we attack each other more!
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